Crabbage Snatch Open - Snatch Spotting
Here we are at the famous Crabbage Snatch Preserve searching for glimpses of the incredible variety and plumage of
snatchers that flourish at this famous oviary.
Oh look, there on the hearth of the Hackettorium, is the plodding Brundtguin. Known for its waddling gate and girthy
base, this endangered species is the only animal on the planet facing extinction about which no one on earth feels
compelled to place it on the endangered species list in order to maintain its existence. Perhaps this results from the
vile, natural propensity of this strange creature to regurgitate anywhere at anytime without regard for the nausea it
And there, swirling in the white porcelain, oval bath is the Cornpocked Mudshark. This strange and unusual snatcher is
affectionately known by its nickname, "Old Faithful", because it appears in the oval bath at almost exactly the same time
each morning and each afternoon as it squeezes out through the sphincter-like opening of its nest. Also referred to by
many as the "Floating Chameleon" because each day it takes on the appearance of the previous day's foraging, this morning
we see that yesterday it obviously has gorged at the local compost pile, having consumed massive quantities of broccoli
What a treat! It's the Sleepy Winged Ragger. This is a most infrequent viewing opportunity as this snatcher is rarely
awake at this hour of the day. Even yet, noted for its dominating beak and greasy silver head feathers, in its waking
hours it squawks madly at all the other snatchers. Its telltale plumage appears this time in a wide, flat, flanged top
reminiscent of the landing deck of an aircraft carrier.
My, oh my, it's an Antleared Hiney Warbler. Perhaps traceable to the oldest ancestry of all snatchers, this throwback
boasts two antler shaped protusions on its forehead and is the only one of its kind that has two large ears that stick
out from the sides. It doesn't chirp from its beak like the rest of the genus, rather it emits a
"Pffffffffffffffffffffft" sound from its posterior. When threatened, or in mating season, it silently releases a
malodorous gas that frightens away all except the cross mating breeds, for example the Wrinkled Scroatlicker and the Flodo
Now let's send it to the other side of the oviary where Lady Brundtus "Gummer" de Tonguer and Duchess "Dukey"
Sarkasuksus quietly await the rare flight of the Marsh Thruster.
Thank you Evanna Sugh Yordic,
We are enjoying nature's finest display as the Bald Hackloafer is strutting about the wilds of the Castro. Known for its
unique and rather odd musical call that will clear out many a male bird, this solitary bisexual bird will hide away in the
dark of the Castro and pounce upon many a male bird that might have had a few too many overipe and fermented Pyracantha
berries at night. The nest it makes to woo the male kind is known as a Hackettorium and has an incredibly stout base but
an extremely flimsy top shelf that falls apart on contact. Many a male bird will visit it and an occasional Brandtguin
will tumble on the debris that surrounds it. The Bald Hackloafer is considered a nuisance.
Quiet. You can just make out the plaintive call of the Dilated Snoidsanass. This bird is known to inertly perch for days
on end, blankly staring into space. It is unknown how it eats, mates, moves, or if it is conscious of its surroundings at
all. Its plumage is usually mottled by dried spittle and feces, the exuding of which is this rare bird's only observable
biological functions. Interestingly, the Snoidsanass will open its mouth reflexively, whenever a beer bottle, or other
similarly shaped cylindrical object, is brought near.
The best way to find the Dilated Snoidsanass, is to look for a reeling flock of colorful Timpson's Tweaktits, as they dart
about, deftly catching Halback's Blowflies on the wing, that are swarming about the larger, dull-witted, feces-encrusted
In a uniquely evolved ecosystem, the Halback's Blowflies that do avoid getting eaten by the Timpson's Tweaktits, go on to
inject their frothy masses of eggs deep into the warm mounds of feces. These hatch days later, to give rise to the
corpulent Tommygrubs, which are in turn a favorite food of the flightless Central Texas Gack.
Oh, what luck. I think I can hear the Chance's Peckerwhacker! This unmistakable non-native from Eastern Lurkerland is most
notable for its unusual call that goes something like this: "Icheet...Icheet....IcheetIwin". The Chance's Peckerwhacker
loves to preen its shortened stub of a tail and will often attempt to do likewise to nearby species. Most shun this, save
the Sleepy Winged Ragger, a frequent companion. Most ornitholigists find this odd behavior disgusting.
Snatch watchers can see a splendid specimen of a Green-footed Limey Bjoinker. This bird is partial to darkened alleys in
trendy urban areas, since it was blown off course from its normal migration pattern into England by an unseasonal
Follow its frequent call of "Oilbloya...oilbloya..." and you may be able to witness its unusual head-bobbing courtship
ritual, it does to attract other males.
Back on the other side of the oviary we are watching the nest of the Cornpocked Mudshark as we expect it to emerge in
its typically clockwork fashion. Ah, there it comes now, first poking its tapered head out the opening, and then slowly
squeezing its broad shoulders through the opening, and then, with a quick push, it slides out swiftly into the oval bath
making nary a splash, its narrow tail feathers floating behind. Ewweeewww, look a that! A diluted, red striation trails
the paddling fowl. Either this one found a bunch of beets in the compost last night or it suffers from the common
snatcher affliction, Snoidus Ulcerous Hemorhoiditic Koloniae (SUHK), or it is not a Cornpocked Mudshark, but its close
cousin the Gruntling Bloodshark.
Off to the side we can observe the mating rituals of two different breeds, the Wrinkled Scroatlicker and the Bald
Hackloafer. These particular two creatures have been of significant interest for some time now as they both seem to be
in a constant state of molting. Their featherless crowns have been perpetually devoid of plumage since our tracking began
nearly eighteen years ago. Consequently, by virtue of their ugliness to their own kind, they are unable to attract the
females of their species and are relegated to satisfying their instinctive reproductive urges with each other. These two
seem to have a particularly committed relationship, one which has been cited by many couples seeking gay marriage licenses
in San Francisco as proof of the existence of monogamous homosexuality in nature. They are affectionately referred to in
the San Francisco Clerk's Office as "Gary and Steve", and a poster of "Gary" depositing his sperm sack in "Steve" hangs
prominently in the rotunda of the Civic Center.
Oh...LOOK!!!! It's a flock of Marshall Swallows!!! This hearty flyer is absolutely amazing. How they can migrate over such
long distances with that big ass is a mystery. Every year, when these birds return (amazingly at the same time...the first
week in October) they will begin to make their cream colored nests from regurgitate. Why, the small mountain town of Arnold
will proudly announce their arrival with posters that proclaim: "Marshall Swallows!! Come one, come all!!!" Don't miss
Shhhh! We are slowly approaching a Harris's Cock. This is the smallest bird found in these parts. It is assumed that the
small size is due to the cold weather from where it migrates. But recent genetic studies indicate that the Harris's Cock
is naturally just a miniature breed. It is commonly found in dark caves wedged in the cracks where the stench of guano is
an attractant. Symbiotic situations for such unusual species seems to be advantageous- as evidenced by the all too common
Marshall Swallows/ Harris's Cock relationship.