Crabbage Snatch Open - Snatch Spotting

Snatch Spotting

what you rooking hele fol, foor? 11-May-2004

Here we are at the famous Crabbage Snatch Preserve searching for glimpses of the incredible variety and plumage of snatchers that flourish at this famous oviary.

what you rooking hele fol, foor? Oh look, there on the hearth of the Hackettorium, is the plodding Brundtguin. Known for its waddling gate and girthy base, this endangered species is the only animal on the planet facing extinction about which no one on earth feels compelled to place it on the endangered species list in order to maintain its existence. Perhaps this results from the vile, natural propensity of this strange creature to regurgitate anywhere at anytime without regard for the nausea it creates.

And there, swirling in the white porcelain, oval bath is the Cornpocked Mudshark. This strange and unusual snatcher is affectionately known by its nickname, "Old Faithful", because it appears in the oval bath at almost exactly the same time each morning and each afternoon as it squeezes out through the sphincter-like opening of its nest. Also referred to by many as the "Floating Chameleon" because each day it takes on the appearance of the previous day's foraging, this morning we see that yesterday it obviously has gorged at the local compost pile, having consumed massive quantities of broccoli and cabbage.

what you rooking hele fol, foor? What a treat! It's the Sleepy Winged Ragger. This is a most infrequent viewing opportunity as this snatcher is rarely awake at this hour of the day. Even yet, noted for its dominating beak and greasy silver head feathers, in its waking hours it squawks madly at all the other snatchers. Its telltale plumage appears this time in a wide, flat, flanged top reminiscent of the landing deck of an aircraft carrier.

what you rooking hele fol, foor? My, oh my, it's an Antleared Hiney Warbler. Perhaps traceable to the oldest ancestry of all snatchers, this throwback boasts two antler shaped protusions on its forehead and is the only one of its kind that has two large ears that stick out from the sides. It doesn't chirp from its beak like the rest of the genus, rather it emits a "Pffffffffffffffffffffft" sound from its posterior. When threatened, or in mating season, it silently releases a malodorous gas that frightens away all except the cross mating breeds, for example the Wrinkled Scroatlicker and the Flodo Bird.

what you rooking hele fol, foor? what you rooking hele fol, foor?

Now let's send it to the other side of the oviary where Lady Brundtus "Gummer" de Tonguer and Duchess "Dukey" Sarkasuksus quietly await the rare flight of the Marsh Thruster.


Thank you Evanna Sugh Yordic,

what you rooking hele fol, foor? We are enjoying nature's finest display as the Bald Hackloafer is strutting about the wilds of the Castro. Known for its unique and rather odd musical call that will clear out many a male bird, this solitary bisexual bird will hide away in the dark of the Castro and pounce upon many a male bird that might have had a few too many overipe and fermented Pyracantha berries at night. The nest it makes to woo the male kind is known as a Hackettorium and has an incredibly stout base but an extremely flimsy top shelf that falls apart on contact. Many a male bird will visit it and an occasional Brandtguin will tumble on the debris that surrounds it. The Bald Hackloafer is considered a nuisance.


"Ack....Ack Ack.........Ack...."

what you rooking hele fol, foor? Quiet. You can just make out the plaintive call of the Dilated Snoidsanass. This bird is known to inertly perch for days on end, blankly staring into space. It is unknown how it eats, mates, moves, or if it is conscious of its surroundings at all. Its plumage is usually mottled by dried spittle and feces, the exuding of which is this rare bird's only observable biological functions. Interestingly, the Snoidsanass will open its mouth reflexively, whenever a beer bottle, or other similarly shaped cylindrical object, is brought near.

The best way to find the Dilated Snoidsanass, is to look for a reeling flock of colorful Timpson's Tweaktits, as they dart about, deftly catching Halback's Blowflies on the wing, that are swarming about the larger, dull-witted, feces-encrusted bird.

what you rooking hele fol, foor? what you rooking hele fol, foor?

In a uniquely evolved ecosystem, the Halback's Blowflies that do avoid getting eaten by the Timpson's Tweaktits, go on to inject their frothy masses of eggs deep into the warm mounds of feces. These hatch days later, to give rise to the corpulent Tommygrubs, which are in turn a favorite food of the flightless Central Texas Gack.
what you rooking hele fol, foor?


Oh, what luck. I think I can hear the Chance's Peckerwhacker! This unmistakable non-native from Eastern Lurkerland is most notable for its unusual call that goes something like this: "Icheet...Icheet....IcheetIwin". The Chance's Peckerwhacker loves to preen its shortened stub of a tail and will often attempt to do likewise to nearby species. Most shun this, save the Sleepy Winged Ragger, a frequent companion. Most ornitholigists find this odd behavior disgusting.


Rarity Alert!

what you rooking hele fol, foor? Snatch watchers can see a splendid specimen of a Green-footed Limey Bjoinker. This bird is partial to darkened alleys in trendy urban areas, since it was blown off course from its normal migration pattern into England by an unseasonal Nor-easter.

Follow its frequent call of "Oilbloya...oilbloya..." and you may be able to witness its unusual head-bobbing courtship ritual, it does to attract other males.


what you rooking hele fol, foor? Back on the other side of the oviary we are watching the nest of the Cornpocked Mudshark as we expect it to emerge in its typically clockwork fashion. Ah, there it comes now, first poking its tapered head out the opening, and then slowly squeezing its broad shoulders through the opening, and then, with a quick push, it slides out swiftly into the oval bath making nary a splash, its narrow tail feathers floating behind. Ewweeewww, look a that! A diluted, red striation trails the paddling fowl. Either this one found a bunch of beets in the compost last night or it suffers from the common snatcher affliction, Snoidus Ulcerous Hemorhoiditic Koloniae (SUHK), or it is not a Cornpocked Mudshark, but its close cousin the Gruntling Bloodshark.

Off to the side we can observe the mating rituals of two different breeds, the Wrinkled Scroatlicker and the Bald Hackloafer. These particular two creatures have been of significant interest for some time now as they both seem to be in a constant state of molting. Their featherless crowns have been perpetually devoid of plumage since our tracking began nearly eighteen years ago. Consequently, by virtue of their ugliness to their own kind, they are unable to attract the females of their species and are relegated to satisfying their instinctive reproductive urges with each other. These two seem to have a particularly committed relationship, one which has been cited by many couples seeking gay marriage licenses in San Francisco as proof of the existence of monogamous homosexuality in nature. They are affectionately referred to in the San Francisco Clerk's Office as "Gary and Steve", and a poster of "Gary" depositing his sperm sack in "Steve" hangs prominently in the rotunda of the Civic Center.


what you rooking hele fol, foor? Oh...LOOK!!!! It's a flock of Marshall Swallows!!! This hearty flyer is absolutely amazing. How they can migrate over such long distances with that big ass is a mystery. Every year, when these birds return (amazingly at the same time...the first week in October) they will begin to make their cream colored nests from regurgitate. Why, the small mountain town of Arnold will proudly announce their arrival with posters that proclaim: "Marshall Swallows!! Come one, come all!!!" Don't miss it.


what you rooking hele fol, foor? Shhhh! We are slowly approaching a Harris's Cock. This is the smallest bird found in these parts. It is assumed that the small size is due to the cold weather from where it migrates. But recent genetic studies indicate that the Harris's Cock is naturally just a miniature breed. It is commonly found in dark caves wedged in the cracks where the stench of guano is an attractant. Symbiotic situations for such unusual species seems to be advantageous- as evidenced by the all too common Marshall Swallows/ Harris's Cock relationship.

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