Crabbage Snatch Open - The Turin Polelimpics
2006 Turin Winter Olympricks
So here we are at the 2006 Olympricks in Turdino. Today is the finals of the One-man Spluge. America's Marshall Field, in training for this event since
he was 4 and jacked off to his Archie collection, is the favorite for the gold. But don't forget about the plucky Armenian Sarkisian. This man can whack
with the best of them and is certainly proof that size doesn't matter.
The perpetual dark horse, Tubeshtuffer Voghtlikker of Germany may come in early...it's a toss-off, I mean toss-up.
And here's the start. Marshall wisely wore the pink tutu and only has to pull off his satin undies. Sarkisian has little trouble pulling off his pants as
there's not much inside to impede his trousers. Voghtlikker is already on the pole position...this guy's amazing!! The action is unbelievable and...whoa!
Thibley from Thweden is trying to blow Sarkisian!
The judges better step in. This is a clear violation and one would think Sarkisian should be complaining.
Let's get closer for some audio on Voghtlikker..."Cookie...oh ya..make me zeenk zat yor Santa Claus..." And now let's listen to Marshall Field.....
"Evan......Evan.....Evan....Evan...." And I can tell by the smiles that zeniths are being approached...and it's......
Field for the Gold!!!! Who will it be for the silver? The suspense is amazing.....whoa...a first!! It's Field for the silver as well!!! The bronze goes
to....Thibley! His move on Sarkisian turned out to be a stroke of genius. That's it for now. Back to you, Bob.
And now the 2 man Bobbing Sled. This event is a new one for 2006. Last year the 3 Man Bobbing Sled proved to be a disaster as the circle needed to
accomodate the riders proved too wide for the sled. Many a bobber lost girth as the sled banged from side to side on the track. Last year's French
favorite Phillipe "Nubby" Cearigue-Seaugue and his partner Bamboiselle "Sansgirth" L'Ghass being the most prominent.
And their off. Climbing quickly aboard they waste no time in "getting down" to business. Their bobbing rhythm smooth as they round the first turn. It
looks like Cearigue-Seaugue has a mouthful and...yes...it's gone. L'Ghass is having some trouble finding the target and that's the same trouble the team
from Japan always seems to have. And...No! Cearigue-Seaugue has grabbed L'Ghass from the ears -a flagrant foul and one that is sure to disqualify them.
But he doesn't seem to care. Listen to him..."Suckmoi, monbeeshamor..."
Let's see who's next on the run. Why, it's the American team of Peter "Peter" Floodman and Bobby "Bobbing Bobbio" Eggleston. Oh shit. They're not even
waiting to get on the sled. This is a complete disaster. Back to you, Bob.
And..now for the ballet short program in skating...
It's Dave (Brewski) Brunt from Belgium skating his lil pee-knuckle routine again wearing his custom Tutu from Torino and the crowd goes silent as he goes
for the triple toe loop. After witnessing what happened on his last try in Snalt Lake Shity in '02, ...a fall and a cracked ice arena with a postponement
in the Olymprick Ice Scroating event, the Olymprick Cummittee holds its breath for Brunt to nail it without losing his tutu....and....and....hold
on...someone else is scroating onto the ice. It looks like a bobsledder...wait, yes...it's the french fav Phillipe "Nubby" Cearigue-Seaugue heading
straight for Dave Brewski and....oh no...looks like the ice might not hold again. Hold on...Brewski Brunt is cuming down and...Ladies and
Gentlemen...WHAT AN OLYMPRICK MOMENT! -- Brunt nails Nubby instead of the triple toe loop in what these Olymprick audiences are calling the "Brunt
Brewski Nipple Toe 'n Poop" that will surly go down in Olymprick history as one of the memorable moments of these games. The two were last seen heading
back to the Olymprick Village People Palace for some alone time.
And here we are at the pairs short program. "Nubby" Cereigue-Seaugue of course is here -as well as Evan Tupinis. The routine is underway. I see a famous
triple-grappler as Cereigue-Seaugue is reaching around and grabbing his thing while Tupinis gives the old-two-handed his best. I'm sure points will be
added as Cereigue-Seaugue's pinky is completely obscuring Tupinis's unit from judges view. And now Cereigue-Seaugue is dropping trou for a spin.
Tupinis climbs aboard. Let's listen...
ET: Are you in?
CS: I think. My fat ass is pushing you away. I can't tell if it's cold shrinkage or just genetics.
ET: It's genetics, bitch!
CS: Shut up. I'll go do Dick Butten.
ET: Get in line behind Boitano.
CS: Love to.
ET: Oh you cheaky bastard....
Later...Hey Bob, how come I don'y see a Zamboni? Oh...
"Thibley in the Houth!!!!"