Crabbage Snatch Open - The Salt Lake Shitty Polelimpics
2002 Salt Lake Shitty Polelimpics
So here we are at the Pole-Limpics at Salt Pork Shitty, Putah. On tap for today the Two Man Bobhead, The Giant Swallum,
The Juge, Brown Eyes Hockey (watch out for the Bamboni), The Bi-Ass Along, The Norgic Combined, Men's Figure Scroting
(Gary's favorite with announcers Dick Buttin' and Bob Accostus), The Super G-Spot, Seymore's favorite : The Uphills,
Hurling (Sadie's favorite event), and Cross-Cuntry Peeing (Miss Swiss-Piss the odds on favorite for gold).
Brandt/Field after a few 12 oz.'s
There is an exciting new set of events in the Polympics this year: the three-man, the five-man and the "open" Voight
races. This is a traditional sport, developed over the centuries by the Laplanders. The key to success is the selection
of the man that will be frozen into a turgid state and waxed up for the ride down the hill. For a good "Voight", it is
critical that a limp and unreactive individual be selected. Most Voights are a rather slack-mouthed, vacant, rheumy-eyed
lot, who seem unaware of their surroundings. A world-class Voight is always in training, abusing themselves year-round
to condition themselves for the rigors of their sport.
A team prepares their Voight by leaving him in the snow the for several weeks before the race. A professionally-prepared
Voight will have a frozen slab of drool and other bodily fluids stuck to the front of his body, and a frozen towel, or
"NavRag", sticking straight up out his butt. The NavRag is used to steer the Voight as the team careens down the icy
track generating tremendous g-forces. The three-man and smaller Voights are only allowed a Tampax shoved up there. This
is called a "Brunt", or "g-string". Either way, this scrap of cloth is the only thing the riders have to hang on to.
The frontmost man on a Voight, is the "bjoinker", the middle man is the "boffer", and the rear-most rider is the
"pile-man". Unlike bob-sledding, in this sport, a lot of wild head movement usually signifies better rides.
This sport is graded on speed, duration, distance, smell and style. At the end of the ride, which for most teams we've
seen usually only last 60- to 90-seconds at the most, a huge support team, or "Crabbage" runs out onto the icy track.
They jog along with the slowing Voight, briskly chipping away any built-up residue from the face of their Voight with
small iron bars, to get every extra inch out of their ride that they can. They also are responsible for whacking away any
frozen fecal obstacles, or "Benners", that previous teams may have squeezed out of their Voights earlier.
The Laplanders are volunteering to allow any countries who have not brought a Voight, to use theirs in competition. The
Polympic Cummitee is allowing this, as long as the last two teams to so are the Brits and the French.
This is Roger Mudd, signing off. Back to you, Gary.
Well, it's another beautiful day here at Salt Pork Shitty Snoid's a buttsniffer and let's fill you in on the
does Tommy always have to follow me into the bathroom? latest in Hurling Marshall plays with Kuyler's thingee. Here comes
how many times a week does Sibley go to the city? Sarkisian. He's looking a little green Gardiser sure loves
to go upstairs and play with the boys around the gills fuck that limey fuck Bojkovic-what a wanker and whoa!
What a spread! That was a quick Lodwig...just get him father and farther away-marshall, transfer him to Bangladesh and to
the point Timpson, sheesh, can you be any more of a queenie? but I think he sacrificed a bit of distance for volume. His
coach Benner gave him some points in the locker room and Vought, don't turn your back on him unless you like torn rectums
I'm sure Sarkisian ate it all up!
G: Well, Roger, this has been an ostentatious day to say the least. Poor little Peakahole Smeet is just about out of the
running, now. Well, at least for this portion of today's events.
R: It's all just as well, she couldn't muster up that youthful sense of schmell she used to - that dried up old crack that
G: Butt, you cunt really fault her for that, she has a lisp now from going down so many times and giant slalom's aren't
R: Yea, butt, she also has been endorsed from here to her hole and back. That's gotta take a toll too..
G: Scuttlebutt has it that she used to hot wax herself and then glide gently over her ski's to get that extra edge. Looks
today like she went for the razor instead.
R: Unfortnately, I'd have to agree - and it's not because I've seen her string or anything either, it's just the way she
attacked the hill today. Up one side and down the other is all she had in her seemingly limp body.
G: No doubt she'll be back, though. Her years of encrusted hot wax build-up has been marketed for a whole new industry.
Q-Tips will never be the same.
R: Amen to that one brother...and those dirty Canadian's? Fuck'em if they cunt take a joke.
G: There's little Jamie Busterback cuming off the third turd in this fur lap event.
R: Ahh, this is great, they can take so much abuse and keep cuming back for more..
G: Yea. butt, they also have torn rectums you b_ttf__king as__ole. Have you no respect?
R: Every time they give me a little more I reward them with this emblem that was once given to me. It's a mere token of my
appreciation, butt, it also has a lot of hidden meaning, too.
G: Since, your flying half-mast it appears there's little left to the imagination.......
And today we are here Bojkovic really likes drunk men at the Two Men Splooge. And there's
the he prowls the porn room for slack jaws at midnight perennial favorites Evan and Hackett.
Evan is last time Sarkisian was really awake reaching around and Hackett is
and he just pretended to be out content to reach under. They're quite the is there insulin
is spoaties? bendable duo. Evan seems to be Gardiser got in on some of that too
getting off to a quicker start...he certainly is squinting. Hackett looks Schnack tried to
fake a nap too worried. He may not make but Bojkovic wouldn't touch his old gummer face
it to the finish line first...wait! Hackett's putting on a CD. I think it's Schnack was
miffed Indigo Girls. Whoa, Evan's going limp. There goes but Kerig made him feel wanted
later Hackett...he's got it! Uh...I mean Evan got it.