Crabbage Snatch Open - Mudshark's Colon
The Secret Things in Mudshark's Colon
So. I was over at Kaiser, and my doctor said next time I was in town, I should have Dr. Joanna Ready look me up. Or look
Actually, I told my doctor that I would much prefer a male practitioner.
No problemo. I guess I am going to see a Dr. Percy Heemius-Snoidlicher on Wednesday, 9:00 am. He had the short straw.
I hope it's a thick one. He'll need it.
The last time I went for one of these, they didn't just give me the 3 ounce Fleet Phospho-soda. They gave me a gallon
plastic jug and about 16 ounces of some ionic mixture of salts to dissolve with water and quaff.
Aye, and quaff I did.
About 12 explosive bowel movements later, and I was ready to go.
Next day, I got a shot of Seconal to "relax" me. Good thing, because they lead me into a room that had about 100
different length flexible black probes hanging on hooks on the walls.
Yeah. I smoke dope once a year, when I am up with you guys, and, I take Seconal once every five years, when a nurse puts
me on a gurney, inflates my colon with CO2, and stands by while a doctor shoves the Alien monster up me for a little "look
Nurse Peaches had to press on the side of my abdomen to get the Stainless Stallion to hang a right for the transverse
colon. At the end of it, she popped a tube up there to allow the residual CO2 to blow off.
Yes, Seconal was the perfect palliative to set the proper mood for a debacle of this magnitude. Cuts the edginess, and
let's you open up to the enjoyment of it all.
When I was reading the attached instructions, I knew I had to share them with you.
I'll see if they can "download" any pictures, so I can email them to you. Either that, or I'll drop a polyp into a jar of
alcohol and bring it up to the Snatch in October.
Here's looking at you.
Thanks for that look into the future Paul. It gives a new spin tho the term 'growing old gracefully '. Good luck and...
I'm a fairy !
I was just sitting down to a spaghetti dinner when I made the mistake of reading your little adventure of opening up new
worlds (back-off, Dave!). Now maybe I'll hold off and let my stomach settle down (and my rectum re-tighten up). (I said,
back-the fuck-off, Dave...)
MS: "Nurse, are you sure this isn't going to hurt?"
Nurse Ratshit: "Look, I've already told you that everything will come out all right."
MS: "That's what I afraid of, damit, you have no idea what you're about to unleash."
Doc Percy: "Calm down, oh gentle one, you must relax before we can begin. Nurse, I thought I told you to shave him
MS: "No way she was cuming near me with those shears she called a razor. You'll have to go in thru the brush I tells
Doc: "OK-OK, now quiet down while this seditive takes effect. When you cum out of this, you won't remember a thing."
MS: "Great, is that what you told Peaches, too? And, why do ou keep moving me around on the gurney?"
Nurse Ratshit: "That's all the better to SEE you with,,ha..ha..ha ..oh, GOD, what the hell was that? Now the Doctor's
passed out! You're disgusting!!"
MS: "Fuck with me, will ya? Here's what mens from the Crabbage brew up proir to the day of offering, so's to speak..how
long can you hold YOUR breath?"......stay tuned for more, same station, same time, of "Paul's Great Adventure".....
Dr. Percy Heemius-Snoidlicher: So, Nurse Rhagg, who's our next patient?
Nurse Rhagg: It's a Mr. Brunt. He has been really pestering the switchboard for an appointment. I think it's urgent.
Doc Percy: Well, show him in.
Brunt: Ooohh, Dr. Percy, I'm so glad you could fit me in!
DP: I think it's the other way around. But, how did you find us?
Brunt: Well, I first laid eyes on you at that party at Cabin Boy Thibley's in the Castro. I saw you across the room, but
could never get close enough to talk to you all night. You're very popular with the naval crowd. So, when I asked Cabin
Boy Thibley who that dreamy guy was, and he said you were a doctor - a proctologist no less, well, I almost creamed myself
DP: Well, did you?
Br: No, I waited 'til I was in the cab. Butt, I called your office and got your first appointment. I simply had to have
your instrument up my butt. Thibley said you'll need a six-pack of beer. Here ya go.
DP: Damn it, I said I need a Butt Light! Well, drop trou and bend over the gurney here.
DP: Hmmmm. Did Nurse Rhagg prep you already?
Br: No. I waxed.
DP: All right. You'll feel some pressure. Is that okay?
Br: Oooh, okay? It's fabulous. Can you kinda reach around and feel my thingy, too?
DP: I'm not going to touch that thing, you old Gummer! Now just shut up, and let me see what you have up there.....Umm
hummm....Uh huh.....Um Hmmmm....Wait a minute....Jeesus, Brunt, you've got a bunch of flowers up here!
Br: Read the card!!!! Read the card!!!!
I think you ought to just stick to the clear liquids for awhile.
That's clear liquids, Dave.
Been there. Done that.
Hmm the card says:
I really would love to be on your team at the Snatch. Please accept these flowers as a token of my love and desire.
Everyone else thinks they have a chance at winning and nobody wants me. You're my only hope. If you won't have me
then..oh..just...oh...just shove them up your ass.
Eat me Dave!!!
My name is on the trophy and, let me see, oh that's right, yours isn't!
Card in Dave's butt reads:
You know how I like slicing my way into the record books (litigation not withstanding). Butt, I already had my heart set
on the happy foursome with Cabin Boy, Tommy Boy, Rhaggmaster, and of course, myself, the SlakMouth Slicer. Maybe if you
were nicer to me....or paid a little more attention to me during the movies, Dave. Something to work on for next year...
Your boosum buddy,
PS - Please enjoy the roses, butt, be careful of the prickers on the stem. Remember what happened last year?
Just butting in, Steve.
I really had no idea you were such a literary icon. The prose is short and to the point and your message is always clear
- almost ot the point of being 'tight-lipped', which, we all know can't be true, cuming from an experienced Slakmouth
Just wondering, were those thick-stemmed roses you got Brandt?
Steve, Steve, Steve...you are such a child. It's fair to say the Snatch is blatent symbolism for a ...snatch, yes? And
just what are you supposed to do when one happens along? Rush???? No. When you see me at the tournament, just think of
foreplay...hey, I'm talking symbolism (and in your case, Snoid, you might like to think of fore rather than aftplay once
in a while). I'm just getting that gal all fired up. Timpson, Chance, Halbach...little teenie boppers. No fuckin'
Explorer Faces Show in Colon of 12-yr old
Noted Danish Expert Verifies Authenticity, Gives Explanation
Santa Clara, CA, Noted paranormal expert, Dr. Davi von Bruntikaan, author of "Butthole of the Gods" was rushed from his
home in Denmark, to see evidence of the extraterrestrial origin of the human species.
Authorities at Kaiser Permanente Medical Center were shocked to see what appears to be the facial likenesses of four lost
explorers on the surfaces of polyps in side the colon of a local twelve-year old girl, Paulette Muhdsharkian. The little
girl was being examined to find the source of a demonic possession from which she has suffered for several years.
The explorers, M. Parshall du Bois, Thomas Halbach, R.N., Albert "Winky" Timpson, Rear Admiral (inact.) Seymour Hills and
their boat, die Luhrker, was lost during an extreme depth expedition into the Mariana Trench in 1960. They had joined the
ranks of many who have never been heard from. (See Figs. 1 - 4)
Dr. von Bruntikaan is quoted as saying, "One can clearly see the facial features of these intrepid explorers on the colonic
lining this young woman. Well, at least I can. Butt, I've missed the four quite a bit. It is very significant that these
men, who spent so much time and effort exploring each others' buttholes, would come back on these polyps, growing on one
of the few buttholes they had not personally tongued, thousands of miles away, on a person they had never met."
"This is much more significant than the ringworm-like marking appearing in the fields of Peru," he went on, "or the
likeness of Abraham Lincoln in the craters of Mars."
Asked by the doctors to make the faces reappear, little Paulette was heard to say, "That's too vulgar a display of power,
Snoidlicher." And then she went on to speak in several foreign languages.
What this augurs for the future of humanity can only be imagined.