Crabbage Snatch Open - Lord of the Bongs

The Lord of the Bongs

what you rooking hele fol, foor? 1-Jul-2003

(A Fairy Tail)

Chapter One:

Once upon a Flodo Totar Dodir . . . . . .

at least every queen in Texas.

(Cap'n Mudshark, Chapter Two is yours.)


WAIT!!! We need the proper intro...

Lord of the Bongs

One bong to rule them all,
One bong to find them,
One bong to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
In the land of Cabbage Patch where the Snatchers lie.

(A Fairy Tail)

Chapter One:

Once upon a Flodo Totar Dodir . . . . . .

at least every queen in Texas.

(Cap'n Mudshark, Chapter Two is yours.)


Slapter 2,

The Cumming of Gruntoff

what you rooking hele fol, foor? In the fields of Crabbageshire all the stubby minions of the Shire were, as always, frolicking gaily. There was a festive air. They were full of it.

The Blobbitts had, over the many years, evolved to an unusual shape. They were barefoot, with hairy feet. Short, they almost never stood taller than just below a human man's beltline. They were most comfortable bent over at the waist, with their legs straight, as if they were picking something up. Like the small cookies they liked to toss. Or sailors.

Now, they were preparing for the 300th birthday gayla, for their favorite uncle, Dildo Boijnkins. He was the only Blobbitt that had ventured out of the Shire in recent memory. Dildo Boijnkins was a queer old trickster, always offering baubles and trinkets to some strapping young Blobbitt or other, to do some "tasks" about his burrow. "Climb up on this stepladder, Gamwise Bambeez, and dribble some oil into my lamps up there," he'd tell one, "I'll steady your hips, so you won't fall. Steady. Steady. That's it. Just a bit higher, moglglglurglgle."

All the Blobbits seemed like they'd do anything for some glistening things. However, they were sure that Dildo Boijnkins had a special glistening thing that he never showed anyone, because he was always jealously fingering something in his pocket.

The Blobbitts also loved games. They were often out in the fields, as now, paired up, playing a huge variety of yuk-fests, such as, "Legs Up, Seven Up", "Bend a Couple in the Doo Dah Room", "Whose Fist is This?", "On Your Knees Bitch", "Hide the Sclong", "Gag Al", or their all-time favorite, "Fuck Kerig".

Suddenly, however, their attention was caught by the creaking of an old wagon, and the flop-flop sounds made by the ragged and abused-looking goats that were pulling it. A grizzled, hulking figure had his robe parted, and was shuffling behind one of the goats, urging it up the last hill at the edge of Cabbageshire.

"Gruntoff! Gruntoff!", the Blobbits screamed, in their high-pitched excitement. "It's Gruntoff, the Brown!!! Show us a trick! Show us a trick!"

"All right, all right, ya grimy faggots!" said the old wizard. "Give me a second to collect myself. I'll just pull my rod out of here...."


"Okay, let me see what I can squeeze out for ya. Rrrrr......Rrrrr.....rrrrrrr...."

"Oh, look! It's a turtle!"

Rrrrr..... Rrrrrrr....

"No, it's a wooly mammoth! Look at those ears!"

"Those aren't ears! Those are wings! Gruntoff's fashioning a... could it be.... yes... It's a dragon! And it can fly!"

Suddenly, what was once joy and wonderment, turned into terror. A huge, scaly, sulfurous, bile-dripping dragon-shaped turd started looping and careening through the air, buzzing the Blobbits as they scattered. Their gayness seemed to be forgotten, while the flying brown faeces-daemon swooped down again and again, swatting shit stains onto backs of the halflings, as it splattered them from side to side.

"That ought to keep them busy for awhile, Dildo." Said the old magician, as he pulled Dildo aside. "We have to talk."

"Gllgulgllublugluglgurrgl...You mean I can't do this?"

"No, Dildo Bjoinkins, foulness is afoot. The Evil One, Seymordor Limeyfag, is rousing an army of Dorks, in far away land. He has been staring into the Flaming Cunt, seeking what you have been hording. He can see right into your pocket. You can probably feel his breath on your pubes."

"Yes, like so many before me, I recognize the feeling. The time that I have dreaded has cum. Where's my nephew, Flodo Totar Dodir?"

However, lurking in the bushes, unseen, the owner of a set of beady little eyes looked on......

Go fuck yourself, Rag.


Really excellent Crabbage lore, Paul. Bound to be a best seller, especially since Rag and Kerig get fucked by the same prodding Wizard. (Ooops, sorry I was reading ahead!) Dave should add this to the 'Crabbage Book' with all the appropriate chapters. Can't wait to see the finished product this year at the Snatch. You know, sitting in front of three scalding videos, a cold beer, a warm fire, and Seymore's shiny head right between the knees.

Grllp..ghumph..plhh!! I knew the Brit's were good for something.



Slapter 3,

Uncle Dildo Sucks Like Never Before

The wizened old wizard, Gruntoff, spent from unleashing a particularly fearsome shit-trick, walks with his young charge, Flodo Totar Dodir, up to the doorway of the house in which Flodo's uncle, Dildo Boijnkins, has lived for many years. The homes of Blobbitts are all burrowed into the flanks of a hill, and the doorways are all round. Round openings seem to make the Blobbitts more comfortable.

"Cum, little Flodo," said the noted Sorcerer of Brown,"There's something I may have waited too long to show you." "Aw, cum on, Gruntoff, I'm stuffed from winning the hair pie eating contest!" "Yes, you were lucky that your partner, Printing Bruntkins, was having such a heavy flow! But, no, I'm not going to be comforting you with my rod and staff tonight. There's something that you have to get from your uncle, Dildo Boijnkins."

However, as they approached Dildo's round opening, a strange sound emanated from behind the door....

....burgle burgle burgle burgle burgle burgle burgle burgle burgle burgle burgle burgle.....

"Uncle Dildo, are you okay"

....burgle burgle burgle burgle burgle burgle burgle burgle burgle burgle burgle burgle.....

They burst through the opening. Inside, the withered old Blobbitt, was sitting on the floor, with his lips wrapped around the most exquisitely decorated bong. He was pulling hard and long. The wad of Sensimilla was glowing like the tip of a Labrador's dick on the end of the pipe. Yes, Dildo Boijnkins really did suck!

Suddenly, the smoldering coal glowed brightly, and, PHOOP, into the drink it went! Old Dildo fingered the writing on his bong, as well as the rich green Booger of Lepman, that was still draped down its side. "My Precious", he murmured...

Gruntoff reached down toward the bong, "Dildo Boijnkins, it's time to pass it along."

Suddenly, with glowing red eyes, and his curly hair projecting out wildly, the old Blobbitt seemed changed, "FUCK YOU!!! I'M NOT GIVING IT UP!!! GARDISER'S BEEN HOGGING THIS FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS, AND I'M NOT GIVING IT UP.....EVER!!!!!"


Slapter 4

The Flowship of the Circle

what you rooking hele fol, foor? "See there, Flodo," began old Gruntoff, "this is the Bong of Darkness. This is an ancient edifice of finest construction. The water in its hold has been there since The First Snatch. It has immense ju-ju. Anyone who sucks on it, acquires the power to not see anything. Your uncle Dildo there, like so many others before him, is now blind as a bat."

"What is the writing there?", asked eager young Flodo Totar Dodir.

"That was written many eons ago, before the Age of the Lurkers. It is written in a language used back when many people had the ability to put two fucking words together, and send whole fucking messages to others via fucking email. Most of the detail is obscured by the Hanging Booger of Lepman draped down the side of the Bong. However, you can just make out the words, "And In The Darkness, Blind Them." You now have to take the Bong to where it was first filled in the mountains of Arnold, and dump it out into the Bowl of Mudshark. Few things are as polluted or smell bad enough to hide its stench."

"Doesn't sound so hard."

"Well, Flodo, the Bong of Darkness holds power over all who have sucked on it. Many seek it. You'll have to avoid desperate creatures who are sniffing about in the shadows, like Queerbaithes who were once men; or Swallum, the poor wretch from whom your Uncle Dildo stole it. And, if you ever suck on it yourself; The Evil One, Seymordor Limeyfag, will be able to track you by the gurgling sound cumming out of his Flaming Cunt."

"I'll never make it!"

"You have to, you ignorant blighter. Take the filthy thing, and hide it down your pants. Stay off the roads, because a halfling like yourself with an actual dick down his leg will surely arouse suspicions."

And then a voice came up from under the front of Gruntoff's robe, "Gllugll mglmlg glurgle ulk, It'll certainly arouse me, if nothing else, Mr. Flodo."

"Gamwise Bambeez, is that you under there?"

With a wad of cum dribbling down his shirtfront, Flodo's lifelong boy toy and fuck puppet, Gamwise Bambeez, popped his head from under the the folds of the old wizard's robes. "I'm cumming, too, Mr. Flodo. You won't never have to take anyone up the ass you don't want to, as long as I'm with you!"

"Oh, it'll be good to have you along, Gamwise. Let me blow you."

"No time for that!!!," hissed Gruntoff. "You have to leave tonight - immediately!!!! You must go to the Hall of Wankers. A Flowship of likeminded creatures is congealing there. A Flowship of the Circle! But you have to hurry, there's not a minute to lose. Well, actually, maybe we do have just enough time for a quick round of Plug Uncle!"

With that, the intrepid threesome turned and sidled over to where their favorite old Blobbitt, Uncle Dildo, lay motionless, his eyes glazed, his jowls slack....


You go girl!! Cun't wait for Sl.5.

I think you should get the Pullithard Prize.


Slapter 5

In the Woody Area

The two Bobbitts, Flodo Totar Dodir and Gamwise Bambeez, have now penetrated deep into the dark and mysterious Woody Area. They have the feeling that there are things lurking in the shadows. It is almost as if they can hear the breathing of the lurkers. Or their muffled slapping noises.

They find that the only comfort against the terror, has been to hold each other's thingies, as they creep along the forest floor. Butt, even that has it's problems.

"Gamwise, you're squeezing my thingy too tight! Let loose of it a little, or the blood vessels will never snap back into shape."

"Butt I'm scared, Mr. Flodo! If I let loose, I'm afeared I'll lose you amongst these woody growths arounds us."

"No, no, that's all right. Just turn around and walk ahead of me. I'll be right behind you."

"Uh, okay, Mr. Flodo, butt stay real close like. I don'ts know what I'd do if I lost you..... Closer, Mr. Flodo.... closer.... clossssserrrrr.... Say, is that the Bong of Darkness I'm afeeling there?"

"No, I put that in my back pocket, to look like I'm sporting a huge turd. That should ward off the minions of Seymordor Limeyfag."

"Good idea, butt you cun still cum a little closer, cun't you? Yeah, that's it.... just a little closer.... just a li... Ahhh.. right there... Mmmmmm...."

Then, the darkness was pierced by a butt-curdling scream. A huge, ugly, misshapen, snaggle-toothed, worm-eaten creature came bounding out of the shadows, heading straight for Flodo Totar Dodir's crotch.

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH...." zip... whump... "glugllglulggglll sluurrppgllgl.."
"Gamwise! Help! Help! It's Skua the Dork! He's got my thingy. Quick, get him off, before he injects his poison! Oh, no... Too late.."

"Mr. Flodo! What is it? What's happened?"

".....It's...... Dorkbite...... Gamwise.......whack.....him.......offf......"

"Hmmm, well, okay...."

...Puhwhupitawhupitwhupitawhupita Puhwhupitwhupita Puhwhupitawhupita...



"He's locked on to you, or something, Mr Flodo. I'm whacking as hard as I can!"

"Oh, okay."

",......stupid.........bollicker.........not.... .........eye..............Pisssss..........on..............Skuaaaahhhhh......."
"Oh, Mr. Flodo, I'm almost out! I'll only manage a drop or two, if I wring my thingy. Lemme try."


As soon as the last drops from Gamwise's bladder hit the back of the hideous Dork, Skua screamed, writhing and rolling away in the leaf litter, with steam cumming up off his back. Gamwise turned to his flaccid friend, "Oh, Mr. Flodo, are you alive? Your thingy's turned a horrible color, and it's spreading! Mr. Flodo, what's happened to you?"
"Uh, maybe if your thingy had a bit more of a fleshy color. But that green there....I dunno....."
"Uh, I think old Gamwise is gunna pass on that one right now. There's gotta be another option, Mr. Frodo."

what you rooking hele fol, foor? All of a sudden, shafts of light started dancing about the woods. A high falsetto voice could be heard, "Ooooohhh, I'll get it!" Gamwise watched as a graceful being, emanating a brilliant aura, was floating toward the two Blobbitts. Her glistening golden hair was matted and stuck out in wild directions, as if she had been held face down on the forest floor and sodomized my many a woodland creature, but still, she had a captivating beauty. "I am Queen Fairy Evanya of the Field.", she said. "There is nothing in these woods, I wouldn't suck. Aside, young Banbeez. Hmmm. I see why you Blobbitts are called Haflings. Ah, well....Gllurgllgggllulllgllgl...."


Slapter 6

Storming the Stronghold...

Not since the teeth had fallen from the aging wizard had such a wondrous sent traveled through the Forrest. The merry maiden was cuming to the delight of the Blobbitts; though the neat pleats of her gown were now filled with snatchery and other bits from the slurping Blobbitts, as they thrust their way ever further into her Forrest.

Now an ominous cry from the dead whoresman was heard, shrieking in a high pitch and nearly suffocating as the staunch from their foul ponies. The merry maiden was gone as she had cum, and the little fuckers were alone in a dark place; much like the cabin afore midnight. Their only chance was to get to a tavern for the night.

The lights from the gay castle were too much to resist as the Blobbitts dashed through the woods in undergarments not cleaned for a week. They needed rest and a chance to catch up with the aged wizard -- the one who could keep them safe from all these treacheries afoot. And, something seemed different or odd about the innkeeper as they approached the gay walls. Hadn't they met before......

to be cuntinued.....


Slapter 7 Tom

what you rooking hele fol, foor? As Gamwise Bambeez and Flodo Totar Dodir make their way through the forest they hear a most unusual song. "What's that noise, Gam?"

"I don't know Mr. Flodo, it sounds like somebody singing. Listen."

"Hey-ho, poontang flow, bleeding red and oozing slow, hey-ho stanky though, I'm Tom Halbadildo." As he approaches, the Blobbits are amazed by the sheer size of this friendly stranger.

"Look Gam, he's huge!"

"Yeah, and tall too."

"Hey-ho, pad no-go, too much run, nowhere to go, hey-ho stains now show, I'm Tom Halbadildo. Whoa...what have we here? More Blobbits?"

"More? What do you mean more?"

" Well, I just happen to have a couple under my cloak. Their names are..." From under the soiled cloak emerges the glistening faces of...

"Fairy and Rippin!" screamed Flodo.

" know them! They must get around."

"Of course, how did you think they got their names?"

"Well, I must be off...again. Oh, before I go here is a little something to help you." Tom whistles and from the woods came a short, fat, stupid, ugly, balding pony. "Here, take him...this is Phil." And before you could say Fuck Kerig, he was gone singing. "Hey-ho, tampons blow, string gets caught on pubies so, hey-ho not pregnant though, I'm Tom Halbadildo!"


Slapter 7 (cuntinued) As Tommy rode thru the forrest, he could hear from behind the calling of the half-dead whorseman and their wheezing steeds. 'Faster, faster, you wretched old fuck pony! And before you could say 'Fuck Kerig', the little balding pony bent to his knees so Tommy could get him to suck on his bong beneath his soiled and wet with pleasure raincoat.

Butt, with a wheeze and a snort, the little fucker sucked in too hard and let a little cough out - too late! He ripped his placid colin and started to bleed like the old cunt he was. Now, the whoresman knew just where he was; the smell of his urine-stained blood a telltail sign. So, quicker than you could say 'Fuck Kerig', old man Tommy rammed his bong up the ponies ass to stop the bleeding and to give the little whore more pleasure than he knew what to do with. Now, the pony felt he really could fly.

Later, that same night, as Tommy removed the blood soaked bong from Phil's ass, they enjoyed a quiet moment together, to reflect upon the days events.

Unt....(Fuck Kerig)...


Slapter 8 (or eat)

The Hall of Wankers

As the days passed, one by one, the members of the Flowship of the Circle showed up at the huge hollowed-out tree that had once served as the monastery for the Order of the Glistening Loins. Only those who had been thoroughly initiated by the Head Abbott, Marshphallus of Glisten, knew the secret to entry into the Hall of Wankers. Only by sticking his dong into the correct knothole, could someone gain entry into the hallowed chamber, no matter how much he longed to get inside. To confuse interlopers, Marshphallus of Glisten spent many hours camouflaging the many incorrect knotholes about the tree with his own glistening exudates. He also trained bees to populate those holes, as a pitfall to the unfortunate.

Sitting on the floor of the Hall, practicing their ritual of chants and meditations, called Saying their Wankers, the stout fellows who had been called to the task were slowly assembled. One by one, the head of another dick would be thrust into the knothole. Those that were there would turn, and when they recognized it, (which they always seemed to do), they would scream with delight, "Hackatorn of Rectum", or, "Thibli the Dwarf", and throw open the secret passageway, form a circle, and give "greetings" all around.

It wasn't always easy for those who were came to come. For instance, the Tree Giant, Nack the Unt, had to get almost prostrate, to put his woody into what his people called, Father Tree. The ones who were already inside, heard a great crashing of limbs and then a booming voice say, "I'M GONNA FUCK YA, POPPA, UNGH UNGH UNGH OOOOHHHHH" The ones inside came flushing out the secret opening of the Hall of Wankers, floating on a deluge of sticky sap.

Conversely, the Blobbitts had to fashion themselves into a pyramid, with Fairy on Rippin on fours on the ground, Gamwise on their backs, and Flodo atop him, straining on tip toes to get his thingy up into the Knothole of Entry. "Hold still, you guys!" yelled Flodo, "You're shaking around, and I'm losing my concentration!" "Fuck you, Mr. Flodo," grunted back Gamwise," if you had half a dong, we'd be inside by now." "And he keeps dribbling down on our heads," said Rippin. "We don't mind that, but at this rate, we'll never get inside the chamber."

"Hold on, little ones." Came a voice from behind them. It was Thibli the Dwarf. Through a cruel outcum of breeding gone awry, Thibli, though technically a Dwarf, stood over six feet tall. His legs were as stubby as any Dwarves, but his midsection made up the difference. His pubes showed below the hem of his chain mail tunic. As he was wiping the last remnants of Untcum from his ears, Thibli hoisted Flodo Totar Dodir up and rammed the little halfling's pecker into one of the knotholes.

"No Thibli!!! That's the wrong knothole!!!!! AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
"It's okay, Flodo. Those beestings will help swell your pud up a smidge. After a lifetime of abuse, a savage dorkbite, and getting sucked off my Fairy Queen Evanya, a few beestings will be just the thing....."


Slapter 9


what you rooking hele fol, foor? Having parted ways with the rest of the Flowship, Flodo and Gamwise turn in for the night, sleeping rough on a knobby outcropping above some rushes.

"Gee, Gamwise, look how far we've cum."
"Yup, before this, I never left Crabbageshire, Mr. Flodo."
"Don't you think the stars seem prettier out here, so far from home."
"Eh, what are you getting at, Mr. Flodo?"
"Well, I think I might still be feeling some lingering effects of that nasty dorkbite again. I'm not sure that Fairy Queen Evanya got all the poison."
"I dunno. She seemed like she was working on your thingy awful thorough-like, to me."
"Aw, cum on, Gamwise. Just for a little while."
"How long?"
"Just start in, and I'll let you know.......bitch."
"Butt, Mr. Flodollllgulugl slurglglgle hummmmlrlmllf...."

Moments later, just as our brave Blobbitt was approaching his zenith, the rushes parted. A pale, skinny, wretched, bug-eyed, half-naked form came hobbling out. Clad only in a stained loin cloth, it was Swallum, who had been the keeper of the Bong of Darkness for centuries, before he had lost it to Dildo Boijnkins. Previously a Blobbitt known as Haemiraide Snoidins, he had been transformed into a depraved creature by years and years of fingering the Booger of Lepman, and plunging his addled senses again and again into blindness afforded by the Bong of Darkness. He had tried acheiving blindness in many other ways, but the Bong always called him.

"My Precious!!!" he screamed, as he bolted for the bulge in the back of Flodo's pants. Unfortunately, instead of snatching back the object of his longing, he tripped. The force of his onrush pushed the Bong of Darkness up Flodo's ass. .....PLOINK.....

"Rrrrr Rrrrrr", Swallum tried with all his might to wrest the Bong free.
"Gamwise! Stop blowing me, and give me some help! I'm having a situation, here!", yelled Flodo, as he focussed all his strength into striking a deathgrip rimlock on his buttpucker.
"LLgllglug mulllglglgl ugle." Gamwise seemed unaware of what was transpiring on the other side of Flodo's buttcheeks.

Then, Flodo looked down, and saw a sickly yellow cloud emanate from the back of Gamwise Bambeez's pants. "Yes!," Flodo thought, "Bambeezgas! If I can just get some air..... and..... hold my breath.......long enough......." Sure enough, slowly, Flodo felt Swallum's grip loosen on the bong up his ass. "Get him, Gamwise!" The two Blobbitts turned and slipped a rope around the spindly neck of Swallum. Gasping, with eyes bulging, Swallum realized his fate. "Aw, fuck. Tricksey Dodirses...."


Meanwhile in the Tower of Risinghard...

what you rooking hele fol, foor? The evil wizard Sarkuman surrounded by common Dorks looks at the first of the new horde he is crafting. "My new creation is beautiful....I shall call it the Uruk Khunt. Quick, pull him out of the toilet and let me marvel at him! Ahhhh corn for texture and swimmingly pungeant."

Soon a whole legion was born. Each one marked by a strange white dollop as they emerged from Sarkuman's bowels. How did that white shit get in there? "Go, my fecal friends, go my teeming turdly toys, go my staunch stanky stools..."

"Uruk Khunt...Uruk Khunt...Uruk Khunt...Uruk Khunt...Uruk Khunt...!"they all shouted.

"I am not!"

No sooner had they started off when the walls of Risinghard fell with a crash. The Unts had come! "Unt...Unt...Unt...!!! Gerr dat guy!! Hit and lun! Nair him! Squandel dem! Unt six, unt six, unt Yaaaaa!" They tore into Sarkuman's creations and soon all were gone. Sarkuman tried to rebuild but a prolapsed heemraid ended his efforts. "Unt Bro!" he screamed and soon the Unts took him up on this offer. They became fast friends.



I like your "left side" better than your "back side". Much more be-cumming...



I'm not too sure of the reference on Snoid's (Swallum) email below. I don't need to know really....

So, I'm off to vacation.

Here is Slapter 10, the last, at least in this sag-ga...

At the Lapping Shores.

So, the Flowship was quite fullsome, now. Nervously wedging their way through the forest, was Flodo Totar Dodir, Gamwise Bambeez, Tom Halbadildo, Thibli the Dwarf, Marshphallus of Glisten, Hackatom of Rectum, Nack the Unt, and, effortlessly floating above them on a viscous stream of menses, Fairy Queen Evanya of the Fields. Behind them, at a safe distance, trailed the pathetic Swallum, at the end of a rope, the auburn stains on his loincloth now setting a bit too crispy, "Damn, Swallums will nevers scwub theshe shtains offa his pubes. Thash tricksey Dodir'sh butt-fucked Swallums fer the lasht time!"

Just as the group was passing an immense stand of bangboo, Thibli held up short. "Thiff.... Thniff...." went his nose in the air, "Thmellth like the thickening thcent of Dorkth. I think were thurrounded"

"Quick," said Flodo,"Whack off some lengths of this bangboo, about the length of Marshphallus's lower leg. Stick it up your ass, like I did with the Bong of Darkness. The dorks will not know which of us has the genuine one. It will give me a chance to escape."

The Flowship quickly set to work. "Oh, thit!" said Thibli. "I lotht hold of my piethe of bangboo. It'th thlid all the way up my athth. Marthphalluth, thee if it'th pothible for you to thlide it back outta there for me."

"No!" snapped Flodo, "We've no time for that. Tom Halbadildo, whack off another one, that's long enough, so it will still stick out. Ram it in there, right on top of the first one."

"Ooohh, it'd be tho thpethial, if Thwallum could aththitht him!"

"Okay, but hop to it!"

As soon as all the company had a robust length of bangboo protruding from their buttcheeks, forming a pup tent on the seats of each of their pants, a swarm of Dorks, led by the biggest of all Dorks, Skua, assaulted our heroes. From where they had been lurking and lurking and lurking, out they came with saliva on their jowls, spoiling to blow someone. Anyone. Sure enough, they were confused by the dummy bongs.

As the fight raged, Flodo slipped away. He went to the shore of the river, where a crude boat had been tied up, with a fetid mass of deeply stained rags piled in the bow. Flodo jumped in, and started piddling the small skow out toward the other shore, when behind him, he heard, "Mr. Flodo, Mr. Flodo, you cun't leave old Gamwise here. I promised old Gruntoff that I'd keep watch over you. If anything happened to you, Gruntoff would bugger me relentlessly. He'd scald me, I tell ya!"

At that the dimwitted Bambeez cast himself into the water. Struggling against the swirling flow, with the froth lapping at his chin, Gamwise flailed himself in the froth, unable to swim forward at all.

"GllurglGamwiselllggl nevellgle glett anythingllglg glhappen to yougglglglg....." At that his face stayed buried into the ruddy waters.

Frantically, Flodo paddled back to Gamwise's motionless body, jumped out of the boat, and stood nest to Gamwise. He reached over, grabbed a hank of Bambeez's hair, and pulled his head out of the water. "The water doesn't cum up to your ankles, dumbass! Just fucking stand up and get in the boat." Chastined, the young idiot, jumped in next to his friend. "Mr. Flodo, how are we going to know where to go?"

"I don't know, Gamwise. Gee, I wish we had someone along who knew something about boats and sea-faring."

At that, a large wad of the bloodiest of the rags flopped down from the pile in the bow. "Arrggh, so's ye be need'n someones what knows a might ab'ut navagatin', eh? Well, me Navigator Rhagg be ashore jez now, suckin' the dorkbites off'n 'alf the population o' Middle Earth. Butt, oi' bin knowns t' git around amid the waves, ye might say."

"Who the fuck are you?"

"Arggh, Slaptain Mudshark's me name, 'n navigatin's me game, Bucko."

"We don't need some gap-toothed, slack-jawed, rheumy-eyed old fart of the sea, asshole. I'm Flodo Totar Dodir, and I say, Fuck You!"

"Fuck me, ye say? Fuck me? Arggh, this be me boat ye be ensconced in so. Ye'll 'ave to submit to more'n a few gambits o' buggery t' stay a'b'rd, Oi tells ye. Fuck me, eh? Arrgh, ye 'n yer little Gamwise bitch best cum about, 'n drop trou. Thar be nigh butt two things ye be need'n t' know a'b'rd the Natch, lads. One.....Fuck You. And, two.....FUCK KERIG! Arggh."

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