Crabbage Snatch Open
Have any of you noticed the uncanny parallels between the adventures at the Snatch, and the novel and movie, Dunge?
Paul Sarkeides, heir to House Sarkeides, stood on the relative safety of the rocky outcrapping, after setting up a thumper.
He set it up, so the rhythmic thumping would send vibrations deep into the bowels of the soft alluvium of the mud planet,
Arnoldis, to see if the thumper would call forth a Mudworm.
His mother, Bambi, a Benner-Gizabit bitch, her lips stained by the spice, Splooge, looked on furtively in her grief. She
was paralyzed from the pain of having her husband, Dukie, ripped from her by the schemes of the evil, bloated and diseased,
Baron Ztabmihir Boijnkonnen.
Plans within plans, schemes within schemes.....
There's more. Lot's more.
Oh do tell me more. When I saw mention of Benner, I thought for a minute you were going to tell us the tale "Lord Of The
Reek: The Smellowship of the Reek". Of course I really don't even want to hear about Benner's adventures in "The Goo
And, on the fourth day of the siege, a great wonderment came to the dunged.
A breach of the sacred waterfront. From the murky waters came, to the amazement of the orator, a beast of previously
unknown proportions. Surreal, yet, familiar in all aspects of the beloved dunge peoples.
A leader of unparalleled qualities, from the depths of the porcelain gods the beasty flopped himself up upon the white
edges, unable to fully support himself any longer. Alas, the great measure of his strength yet unmasked from the murky
depths, like some iceyberg, of years forgone.
A testament to the measure of which these peoples might go,,,,Dunged.....Book 4 (the icy waters)
And there is more....
Remember when Bambi and I first came to the Snatch.....
And Paul Sarkeides and his mother, Bambi, after being stranded out in the barren waste land of the Mud Planet, Arnoldis,
peered into the dense fog and darkness, aware that there were unseen visitors, silently lurking just out of view. Could
this be the legendary masters of the Mud, the warrior people known as Spremen?
Forward stepped the most resplendent of the group, "I am the leader of this tribe, I am called Br'unt. My people heard
the rhythmic pulsations of your thumper. Who are you, and why are you summoning a Mudworm?"
"I am Paul Sarkeides, heir to the house Sarkeides, thrust into the wilderness by the evil, ugly, spittle-spraying, bloated
and diseased, Baron Ztabmihir Boijnkonnen. My mother, the Benner-Gizabit bitch, is pregnant with my unborn sister,
Thiblia. She is holding a buttload of the Water of Peaches in her lower raehgions. We wish to mix our mud with your
"In our tribe we shall call you, Use'l'ess, butt, you also need a Spremen name."
"What is the name of the small yellowish turd, that is the size of a gerbil, and clings to one's buttocks in the second
"Ah, we call that one, M'ud'dr'ib."
"I wish to take that as my Spremen name."
"Then you shall be called, Use'l'ess Paul, M'ud'dr'ib."
"Hmmmm, the thumper seems to be working. I am starting to detect some wormsign......"
WHUMP..... WHUMP...... WHUMP.......
No fair!!! I tried reading Dune but a FUCKING COMA kept interferring with my reading enjoyment of it. How the hell am I
supposed to chime in???? Can't we rag on Hop on Pop or other great gay pieces of literature? Come on, Paul, give an ol'
hooker a break!
I'll use small words.
What a wanker you are.
You don't need to read the book. You've lived it!
Rent the fucking movie. The movie only seems like it is nine and a half hours long....
Scene after scene is exactly like the Snatch: Like the uncanny resemblance between the Baron Vladimir Harkonnen, and our
own bloated and festering Ztabmihir Boijnkonnen.
Like when the head Benner-Gizabit bitch, Porq'ee Cee'Hyaitch'Pee came to the cabin, late at night, to test young Paul
BBG: "Wake up, Paul, I want you to meet Porq'ee Cee'Hyaitch'Pee. She is here to test you. Just do as she says."
PS: "Uh, can this wait?"
PCHP: "No. The time is now. It would be another twenty-eight days before I'm this ready. We must know if you can
withstand the Sphincter of Agony. Put your fist up here as far as it can go. I know what I'm doing. I've tested many
like you before you."
PS: "I can see that. You couldn't just give me an oral, could you?"
PCHP: "NOOOOOOO. RAM IT UP THERE, AND DON'T PULL IT OUT, 'TIL I SAY!" she's using "the Voice". i can't resist. it's
sucking me in there. it's scalding me. ahhhh, it burns. my flesh is on fire and falling off of the bones of my hands,
now my wrist, my forearm, my elbow... how did i get in there in the first place?
PS: "Fuck this. I'm pulling out!"
PCHP: "Oooh. Is it over already? Bambi, he's the first one who's ever gotten the side of their face up to my ass cheeks
before without perishing. Increase his rate of training to ramming speed. No one's ever made me cum before."
PS: "Can I wash up a little?"
Whump, whump, whump...
Suddenly, like a torrent, the Water of the Peaches began to rush forth. No man was safe from the onset of muddy water that
ensued that day on Dunge. Now, the leader of the tribe, Br'unt, was squealing like a miserable castrated rodent lost in
the caves of Bu'ng Hole.
The peoples of Dunge were scattered about the fair land in various positions and postures, lapping the tangy, somewhat
sweet mud from each other's slick and shining bodies as the steaming brew festered in their pores. No matter. They had the
Use'l'ess Paul of Sarkediers to guide them now as they continued their quest; their tongues all flickering together like
some ancient centipede upon the landscape.
'Ahoy Mate', came a cry from the Water of Peaches. And there, in the shiny white porcelain, was a new vessel from the
bowels of good fortune. Some semblance of a once great empire, thrust upon the naked peoples of Dunge; muddied as they
were. These were no small turd-like seafarer's, butt, regular guys who wanted a good time, too.
'My name in this genera is 'Snoidum from Hairryholia. I cume from another Gasteroid, in the reagions Asssunder.' Now,
the peoples of Dunge had met their match in all things murky that lay below decks, so to speak.
'We cum from afar, over that way, from the cheeks of the fair maiden who spat us out like some vermin gerbil; that
Gizabitch. We mean you no harm.'
With that, the peoples of Dunge, in particular the Bru'nt one, lay to one side for just a moment, while the passing of
gasses filled the air with exhilaration.
To be continued.....
OK Paul, here goes...
Upon wakening Br'Unt (Yeah, better spelling so fuck you!) heard a strange sound. Soon all ears were enchanted by this
surreal mesmerizing sound. "Could it be a Siren- a Dunge maiden?" asked Paul of Sarkediers but none responded save
Benner-Gizabit bitch who eeked out a waft of pregnant fart...the unborn Thiblia dining on chili in utero it would
All were drawn to the eerie wailing and the crowd moved as one to the voice. They soon reached an area of scant trees and
knew this is where the Siren was begging their prescence. They could do nothing but peer at the sign which stood in front
of a lone tent. It read "Welcome To The Castro" and there lying naked, butt up in the tent none other than Hakket-Kornhol.
He sung and pointed to the Vaseline. It would be a long night.
And..with the withered hindquarters of the Hakket of Kornhole staring at him, Bru'nt of the Dunge surged ahead and peered
into the slack tent opening.
Br'Unt of the peoples of Dunge: 'OK, so it's a song you want, eh? Well, I'm not touching that vasoline and I'm sure as hell
Hakkett of Kornhole: 'That's what they all say sailor, butt, in the end, they all have their way with me. So, use the vaso
sparingly; I think it's going to be a long night.'
Br'Unt: 'Why,, you dirty bastard! I have no intention of..'
'Hakk: Whatever,,,hey, could you do me a favor and pull you manhood out of my left ear. I can't hear in stereo
As the night continued, amidst the various phases of singing 'That Seventies Show' from Master Kornhole, certain aspects
of Dunge life became apparent to the Br'Unt; indeed the peoples of Dunge in general. No one man can hold his own as
before. Rather, all the hands were as one; moving in one motion, so as to give relief to the peoples of Dunge...
Butt soon amongst the timultuous mass a hush fell. The ground beneath began to heave -unlike Hakket-Kornhol who wasted not
a drop. Ztabmihir Boijnkonnen shouted to calm themselves -which truly irked Hakket-Kornhol who preferred those in an
excited state. But the grumbling from below persisted and all looked at Benner-Gizabit bitch who proclaimed, "I ain't the
one eating chili!!" Paul Sarkeides was thrown to the ground- for the first time unwillingly- as the ground burst open. "A
mudworm...a mudworm!!!! Run for your lives!!!!"
Meanwhile aboard the Die Luhrkers
Hauptmann Tommi Halbacher, Cummander of das Unterseebuut yelled, "Vat de fuk isht ein mudverm? Unt vere ze fukinzee are
ve?? Master Tubeshtuffer Voghtlicher, qvit practicing on Field Marshall Herr Gummer unt reportenzee rauschmeinsch*!"
*German for fuck all you Snatchers especially Cocksin Viani who has been reading this shit for ages and then gives us a
shitload of shit for our shit-what shit! Shit!!
Okay, okay, last one, last one. Then, Dave can get back to splooging books that he has been able to read....
Two key scenes:
Firstly, back at the Boijnkonnenhome planet, Bleedy Prime, Baron Ztabmihir Boijnkonnen taunts his new capture, the Mentat,
Phuphir Mytwatt. "Yes, Phophir, the House Sarkeides has been squandeld. You must use those Splooge-stained lips to be my
Mentat, now that Dr. Hughey has met his demise in the poisonous Bambigas cloud."
"Never, Baron Boijnkonnen, you can suck my cock. No, not now, that was just an expression. Wait a minute, what is this
uncomfortable pressure back here?"
"Ah, Phophir, you have discovered the Boijnkonnen butt plug that has been installed. Not to worry, everyone on my planet
has one. In fact, that reminds me..." ....ploink..... spukah spukah spuka ohho ho ho spukah spukah "Ahhaha, I'm reaching
my zenith!" ohhh spoot spoot "Oh, I love ya, boy!" Suddenly a cascade of mud sprays across the wall, the ceiling, the
flowers, and the glistening facade of the Baron's nephew, Feyld Ragha.
"Uncle, what about me?"
"Ah, my lovely Feyld....."
The second and last scene... In the great hall of the planet Arnoldis, the walls are violently breeched by the grandfather
of all mudworms, Big Al. Standing astride the steaming beast is Paul Use'l'ess M'ud'dr'ib Sarkeides, and his intrepid band
of silent, lurking Spremen. "I shall take control of all the Splooge on Arnoldis. You've had enough, you bloated Limey
"No, first you must defeat my champion, the lovely and glistening, Feyld Ragha, in the ritual contest to the death called
In no time, the mortal enemas are circling the Yeatme arena, probing for openings, thinking... ...plans within schemes
within strategies within gambits within capers within.... ...hmmm, he's a tricky one, he is........he is trying to feignt
and lure me toward his groin - there is something hidden there... ....hmmm, nice guns, I wonder if he works out...
...I will bend like the willow.... ....hmmm, I like those shoes - they're cute....
Suddenly, a tiny, slender object pops from the front of Feyld Ragha's pants. "I shall kill you with my toxic Flacid
"No you shan't. Yeat this, bitch!" With that, M'ud'dr'ib flops on his back, with his legs in the air. A flood of brown
Bloodfart catches Feyld Ragha in the chest. He is lifted backward, and slammed against the wall, held there by the force
of the current of shit. As he slumps to the floor, his eyeballs turn completely shit brown, the floor cracks open, and a
brown rain begins to fall.
And then, M'ud'dr'ib's little sister, Thiblia, cums forward and tells the crowd, "And how ith thith pothible? BECAUTHE
MY BROTHER ITH THE QUEERAT HACKETZTHBAK!!!"
I'm done now. I need a smoke....