Crabbage Snatch Open - Dear Sharkey

Dear Sharky

what you rooking hele fol, foor? 1-May-2004

Dear Sharky,

Thanks for the great advice on the ps. Perhaps you can help me out with another problem.

I find when I try to masterbate in my bed at the cabin, it wakes people up. Some come over to help but most tell me to "cut that the fuck out!!!!" On one hand I hate to piss people off and on the other hand is a glop. What can I do?


ps Fuck Kerig with a Jello-pop


Dear Sharky,

I have this relative, who I'll call Aunt Lerr. The children affectionately call her Ms. Bambi. Every time she comes over I end up sitting next to her at the dinner table. She has this problem where she gasses once she starts eating. She thinks it's funny. What's worse, she likes to walk around the party and leave these wafting trails of stench, the kind that you not only smell, but you feel burning your skin. She's the lover of my friend, Snoidy, who is always welcome whenever he can make it, butt, frankly, I can't stand it any more. What can I do?




Take it from me, and I mean "take it" big boy. You have to become one with the stench. The proverbial definition of a Snoid is one who visits and lives in the BUTT. It's like living with Benner/Bambi, once you've been awakened from a dead sleep by the splitting lips located right next to your face, feeling the wind (and the rain), you'll never be able to relate to those who say they've been there butt they really haven't. They will forever be known as "wanna-be's". Oh the shame and sorrow of their pitiful lives. Or for those of you real Snatchers, "The Hacket of it all!"

I'm gonna have another beer and see if this doesn't make better sense in the morning... If I can manage to hit save as "draft" rather than "send". We just got back from an end of year soccer party for my youngest son at the home of two doctors. The bastards own some serious home real estate, and have lots and lots of beer. Several of us Dad's took more than our fair share... Sucks for them that didn't decide to imbibe, because I won!!!

The Snoidster...


Dear Sharky,

I love music. I go to a cabin in October and have a great time with other guys who like music...except for one guy. He brings these great cookie bars, which his wife makes, and I'm sure he says, "Thank you so much, dear! For this I will play some Indigo Girls." We think he's a dick but we love the cookie bars. What should we do?

Steve Sahdik


Dear Sharky,

A large group of friends of mine and I have this other friend, who I'll call "Captain Cheeks". He is generally well thought of and is one of the most effective communicators any of us know. He also has a proclivity for giving advice when no one asks for it. Even so, his counsel is generally very thoughtful and, in most cases, helpful. The problem is, when people ask for his advice, he doesn't respond. For example, in just the last three days he has been asked for advice on at least three occassions but has not responded at a time when his friends really need his help. I'm getting a little tired of him poking his big, fat Armenian nose into everybodies' business when nobody wants to hear about it, like begging for political campaign contributions, and then ignoring them at critical times. Should I just tell him "Fuck You and the Highway Patrolman You Rode In With"?



Gentle Reader,

Rag: Your friend, Captain Cheeks, sounds like he is a person of authority, who may be unused to being prodded, poked, or tweaked into giving help - even if he may enjoy getting prodded, poked and tweaked under other circumstances. Have you considered counseling? Read up on it. May I suggest "Taking It Up The Ass For Idiot's", by Drs. Evan Suxdick and Neills Feryah?

Perhaps you could just offer up your loins, as a form of tribute. A sort of piece offering. You may want to consider giving into his fantasy, and actually make the political contributions that he is asking for. Think about it. Would you rather take it in the ass from someone that loves and cares for you once a year; or would you rather take it in the ass for four more years from some rich, incompetent politician from Texas, that you don't even know?

I am sure the problem of Cpt. Sharky being an asshole is just temporary. You can lick it!

Steve Sahdick: I think that the fact that your friend brings the cookies "before" he starts playing the idiotic music, and that he sleeps outside, means that this problem may solve itself. Simply take the cookies, and lock him outside. If your friend persists, and starts playing idiotic music like Indigo Girls, B.J.Thomas or even that Moog shit that you seem so fond of, simply bend him over a wagon tongue and have a group of guys gang rape him. Afterwards, you can say either, "To keep us from doing that to you again, you have to let the normal people chose the music", or, "If you want us to do that again, you have to let the normal people chose the music", depending on whether he likes the sodomy, or not. Keep it positive, butt keep it firm!

Also, have you considered using a remote switch box for the speakers, and a CD player with the real music in another room?


Ask Sharky


Dear Sharky,

I have these two longtime friends, "Slacketta" and "Brundtessa". They both have penises but act like pussies. Albeit that they are nice enough "fellows", they both suffer from the same social problem. Depending on the items involved, they both have this annoying habit of insisting that everyone else "try something" because they are convinced it will be good for the rest of us. In Slacketta's case, it has to do with music. He is always taking quality tunes off the boom box, say The Tubes, Joe Walsh, Jethro Tull, The Who, and replacing it with shit like show tunes. In Brundtessa's case, it has to do with home made beer. You can't go over to his house without him requiring you to drink this hoppy, dark brown beer that not only looks like shit, it tastes like shit, and makes you feel like shit. He even wants me to serve his "brew" at parties I throw so all my guests will turn to shit. How do I politely get these two people to stop tossing about so much shit?

Sick and Tired in Arnold


Dear Sick, Is there some outbreak of ignorant, illiterate buttfucks out there? Cun't you fucking read? What, have you popped a snoideurism? I just wrote to some other lickbutt named Steve Sadick, not two hours ago, about what to do with a "CD Bogart".

Here, let me "give it to you" again. Slowly:

1 - Wait till Slacketta brings the cookies (but before she throws the cookies).

2 - If she puts on the idiotic music, gang rape her. Fuck her in the ass, until she can say, "Unique New York" five times real fast

3 - Now; there's two possibilities: A) (most likely) She likes it. If so, tell her she doesn't get any more unless she stays away from the CD Player. B) (possible, but less likely) She doesn't like it. Then, threaten to do it again, if she so much as touches the CD player.

4 - Try to keep it positive, but STAY FIRM.

Hey, here's an idea: Get her a Bony CockMan, and some ear phones. With handles on them. Then she can listen to anything she wants...

Simple enough? Or do you want me to come over and explain it to you, by ramming it down your throat? If you do, you'll have to wait until October?

As for Brundtessa, the Brew-At-Homo Bitch; she's teasing you. Just tell her you'll drink her shit-flavored swill, if she gives you a blow job. "Promise". While she's down on your flaccid, festering, misshapen pud, simply pour her bilge water into the sink and refill with some Guinness before she finishes gagging, and struggles back up from her knees. This way, you don't have to drink the HomoBrew, you get to celebrate your Irish heritage, and she gets a nice, if small, meal. Be sure to have some saltines with you.

Hope this has been helpful.



Dear Sharkey,

I have a friend, whom I wish to not name. It rhymes with Schmevan. He is very upset at me for the impending three months of summer vacation I am about to enjoy. He will vent and do things like lump me in a complaint with someone who I choose to not name. It rhymes with Schmeve Schmackett. He also will complain about free beer. He is even pissing people off by repeating posts and getting called names I can't repeat. It rhymes with schmignorant, schmilliterate schmuttfuck.

What should do?

26 More Days


Dear Just Past My Heaviest Flow,

Sounds like he's being what rhymes with a schmuseless schmick. Is it possible that Schmevan may be overcompensating for some physical deformity, like unsightly hair, or an enormous nose?

His cracks about the free beer is a call for help.

It isn't about you.*

Schmuck Schmerig.


*actually, it is.


Dar Sharky,

Yuz sees Oi gots this matey among me crew abard the SSnatch who'll remain nameless tother than to say 'e goes by a nickname whats a wrinkly skin sack covered with 'air 'oldin' two larger than average marbles. 'e's been married fur nigh on twenty-five years, now. Problem is, when weez arrive in our 'ome port, 'e doesn't run 'ome to 'is woif, 'e takes off to the mountains straight 'way with two other mates to put their balls in their 'oles with their clubs, which tother mates shall also remain nameless tother than to say that one, 'e goes by a slang term nickname meaning "duh" which includes the surname of one famous English physician who assisted a famous detective from Scotland Yard, an' the tother, 'e's named after a squatty character from a famous trilogy. Me thinks they engage in ragin' buggery. Moy question is, should I tell the misses 'e's a cheatin' on her?

What says ye, Sharky?

Knavigator Rhagg


Dear Worried About A Sack...

Arrgh, seems ye've gots a might o' Scotland Yard wark t' do yerself afers ye cun afferd yersuf an ansar.

Farstly. Be "the missus" ye be referrin'ta be yer'un, er be she belongin' to th' feller whats had har fer nigh twanty-five yars? Needs be ye shuld narrah't'down a might.

Twain. Spos'n she be Ma'am Ballz-ack. Th'n, mayhaps aft', lo, all thase yars, sh'ldn't notice iffn ye proferred yer own bowsprint t' comfert 'er in the nonce 'till 'er man finishes a c'pla rounds o' the Se'm'ns Jig w' 'is mates. Mayn't be the wiser, she wuld't.

Trey. Be this Ballz-ack brang'n 'ome any infestu'ns w'im? Arrgh, butt ye'll need a lil' Holmes wark o' yer own fer this'n. Naxt time th' sodomites be conjoin'd in a rictus o' buggery, sidle up'tas 'em, 'n see if'n ye cun'ts tease aparts the hind jowls o' th' last in line w' th' dull side o' yer cutlass. Bring a hand lens t' bear, 'n sees ifn' thar be signs o' lahshions, er faster'n runnin' sores, er oddly coloured exiudae, er parplish Sarkhomas, er aeven the faint clackin' o' th' tiny claws o' th' dread crabs, Hysteragynix pubis. Kerful, tho'! Ye wants not t' stim'late 'ems t' break wind. Mights scald ye sumpt'n farful, if'n it touches off fum yer oil-lamp.

Butt, if'n they be clar o' 'rganic dyspepsias, thar be no 'vantage o' warryang 'is missus....

Sure, butt 'e ppreciates yer concers, tho!




Dear Charkie,

Mang, jor adbise eedeebomg. Mebbechoocanghaypmi. I gotoodees tourngament ang eberydood cheets. I chooda wongbinow bu, NO! Eets alwaytum mudderpucker whoeet tober angtum paggot like Marchall, or Teemtong. Mang, eben Ayben weengeet- ang deeongly club henohowtohode eeseesown. Eetboocheet.


Chui Deek


Dear Sharky,

My brother is a dick. What should I do?




Admitting your problem is your important first step. Then, you can get down and lick it.

Don't ignore the fact that you may be co-dependent. I suggest you join a local Alonbone group.

Also, rummage around a little, and see if you can find an old Kerig you may have hung onto since your old college days.

If so, fuck him.



Dear Sharky,

I have this group of friends I'll call "Snatchers". We are a randy lot that have been good buddies for a very long time. In the last couple of years, with the proliferation of e-mail, we pursued a course of bantering on the e-waves during which we mercilessly make fun of each other. In the early times, one of us, who I'll call "Bambi", was a routine contributor. The problem was, all the stuff he posted was really stupid, so it became part of the game to hang a substantial ration of shit on Bambi when he mailed in his drivel. Lately, we never hear from Bambi anymore. I'm afraid we offended him or intimidated him. What can we do? It's not nearly as much fun not being able to rag on his inane bullshit.



Dear Missing Bambi,

Wow! Some of the things this little feller did; must have really endeared him to you and your "good buddies"! It sure sounds like you don't want to "lose him".

I bet "Bambi" is just a little burned out.

You see, he's what we call in the field, a "pleaser". He likes playing with the big boys, but maybe he feels like he's "in over his head" much of the time. He might feel that he has to struggle to come up for air, as he tries to lap up what for you seem like copious wads of harmless prodding. He might be feeling suffocated, choked, gagging. Maybe his throat is feeling tight.

If his throat is really tight, it might be time for a professional, like myself, to administer some deep intensive therapy.

He may be just taking some time off, to be with others that are not as intimidating. Has he shown a proclivity to draw back into a cockoon of child-like playmates in the past? Pre-adolescent girls are often vulnerable and open with their affection. They wouldn't be a threatening for him. Try scouting for him near Junior High Schools in the afternoons.

I wouldn't worry. Even though he's standing off now, he probably treasures any affection you and your many friends can show him.

He'll be back. He loves it!



Dear Sharky,

There's this new guy on the web who writes lame shit and then brags about how good he is at bantering. When I told him what a dick he was for writing "ssnather's" he said, "I know it's missing the "C" that's because you licked the cunt out of it. Don't try."

I feel let down because he said I lick cunts...a compliment! There was no raggage. Should I just file his emails from now on in the dickhead box or should other Snatchers slam his ass to let him know how it's done?

Left Hangin'


Dear Sharkey,

I am disappointed in recent letters to you from Queenwood and Left Hangin'. In both of them they used the "C" word. Don't they know how offensive to us women that is? It desecrates that sanctified female reproductive organ, you know, that one that occupies women's minds constantly with the omnipresent reverence for the sacrifice women make in bearing children, and bearing the burden of its monthly metamorphosis of unbridled, inexplicable anger and hate, sort of like Lon Chaney turning into the wolfman at the full moon. It desecrates that sanctified female reproductive organ, you know, that one that occupies men's minds constantly with the omnipresent desire to stuff it with something, like the vilified male reproductive organ, a set of baseball sized red plastic balls, a Tootsie Roll, the end of a tube of a water bottle, or the penis of a pig or the tongue of a mixed breed dog rescued from the pound, and then smear it in jizzem.

The human vagina is at once the most beautiful and ugliest thing on earth, sort of like a painting by Picasso. It is at once the sweetest smelling and most rancid odor, sort of like anchovies in a Caeser salad.

You should tell your readers how much it hurts my feelings that they write such words in reference to this glorious enigma of human anatomy. To understand how I, and many others like me feel, they should watch the movie "The Life of Brian" and pay special attention to the character called "Stan (Loretta)".

Something that is at the forefront of everybodies' minds all the time, for one reason or another, should be referred to with a word denoting respect and reverence, which should be capitalized, as in a deity, like "Snatch". The "C" should be used in a proper and limited role, as a reference to the corporeal transporter of a Snatch.

Cabin Boy Sthibley


Dear Crabbin Boy,

Perhaps I can best answer this in the form of a parable....

Once, there was a boy, let's call him "Dave", who was caught playing naked with one of the neighborhood girls, let's call her "Bambi". Dave was just about to put his thingy into the Bambi's vagina, when his mother happened upon them. His mother was flustered, and said, "Stop, Dave, don't put your penis in there! Don't you know that girls have teeth in their vagina and can bite your penis off?"

Dave was traumatized. As he grew older, he never dared to engage in sex, for fear of having his penis snapped off.

Well, sure enough, Dave fell in love with a lovely young woman. Let's call her "Marshelle". On their wedding night, Dave was terrified. Marshelle asked, "Honey, what's wrong? Why don't you want to have sex? Can't you see I'm hot for you?"

Dave answered, "I can't put my thingy in there. You women have teeth in there, and can bite my penis off!"

Marshelle was amused but understanding. "Women don't have teeth in our vaginas!', she said, "Feel around in there, you'll see."

So Dave started feeling and groping, carefully inspecting Marshelle's vagina. After a time, he said, "Well no wonder you don't have any teeth in there, look at the condition of your gums!"


Now don't you see how careless word choice can cause trauma and misunderstanding? It would be simply wrong to call Queenwood and Left Hangin' "cunts" just because they have excessive facial hair, poor dentition and smell like tuna salads. You are right to maintain your virginity insofar as using the "C" word only for positive references.


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