Crabbage Snatch Open - A Crabmas Carol

A Crabmas Carol

Bend over, Crotchet


A Crabmas Carol
Part One

Bobbyio Crotchet: It's a might cold sir...may I...
Splooge: You put another lump of coal in that fire and I'll rip you a new colon!
BCt: Two is plenty, sir. And my newest one is still a tad infected.
Splooge: Then get back to work, you slacker!


BC: The door, sir.
S: I'll get it, ya cocksucker. Yes...what is it?...can't you see I'm fuckin' busy!!
Salvation Army: Have we the honor of addressing Splooge or Marley?
S: My partner Jackoff Marshley has been dead longer than Elvis.
SA: Then I trust Mr. Marshley's liberality is well represented. It is customary at this time of the year to make provisions for the less fortunate.
S: Are there no prisons? Turkish Baths?...are there no openings at Bibbero, Conklin Bros., Haig Mfg., or Conoco?
SA: There are -but only the really fucked up go there.
S: Then piss off or I'll pound a pound up your ass!

BC: Uh...tomorrow's Christmas, sir...
S: Then I suppose you'll want the whole fuckin' day off?
BC: Yes, sir.
S: If you want it off...then I want it off. Get my drift?
BC: Yes, sirawwwwglmphhhhhhhmmmmmmmmm!

After a day at his long hard job, Bobbyio Crotchett wipes off the bottom of his desk, and starts to put on his greatcoat.

"Mr. Splooge, sir," he asks, "have you seen my muffler?"

"Here, bitch, drape this on your chin, it'll muffle ya!" jests old Evangeezer. "Oh, I think I'll be getting off a little early today myself, if you don't mind...."

"Mmmphphoh noghgh, phphphphurg, mmmmommph"

"There, lad, stand up, wipe your chin, and run along home to that pretty little wife of yours. I would have had something for you to bring home to her, but I think I just spent my Holiday wad on the back of your throat!", says Splooge as the bell tingles above the slamming door. "Ya pathetic wanker."

A yeasty, warm aroma greets Bobbyio Crotchitt as he opens the door to his humble abode. "I'm home, Dodir, dear, " he calls, "Smells wonderful. Are you baking bread?"

"Sure, honey, that's what you're smelling. It's bread. That's right", she chimed sweetly as she waddled out of their bedroom. "But I gave it to the coalman. He just left. I could tell he was hungry for it, so I just had to give it to him. Oh, no, honey, you don't want to kiss me just yet, let me brush my teeth."

"Did he leave a load?"

"Yeah, it sure felt like it."

Just then, Bobbyio heard the sound of little feet sprinting across the floor. It was his little bojk, Stevie, no taller than Bobbyio's belt, excitedly running over to him. "Daddy, daddy, daddy, daddddyyggluphhh dadddyyggluphhh".

"Geez, Bobbyio, why don't you have him hug you like normal kids?", asked Dodir Dear.

"Nah, this is fine. This way you and I can still talk. So, how's Tiny Tommy?"

"Oh, it hasn't been one of his good days, dear."

Just then, came the sound of a nightjar crashing against the wall in Tiny Tommy's room, and the sound of a dresser dragging across the worn wood of the floor. "Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me!" Came an otherworldly voice from the room. Dodir Dear waddled over to the door of Tiny Tommy's room, with Crotchitt following close behind, dragging Stevie, "Whaaagggg ghghiphphph yichchch?"

When they flung open the door, they beheld Tiny Tommy's frail and pallid body, kneeling on his bed. He was madly mashing the mouthparts of a flailing crab again and again against his tiny hairless dick(ens). "Did you see what she did, you're cunting daughter?", he howled.

Dodir Dear reach for his slender wrists, saying, "Don't do that, dear, seafood like that is very expensigggphphphphgluggg"

As soon as she had touched his wrists, Tiny Tommy had grabbed his dear mother's ears, and buried his pud right into her startled, gaping mouth. "Mmmpphphph gugghgh phphugggahhh", she tried to gag out the side of her mouth.

"Suck it, bitch, suck it, suck it", he yelled. Then, with the stregth of a large man, the twisted, spindly little whelp pulled his mother's bloody face back, and backhanded her ample ass across the room and against the wall. The whites of her eyes fluttered back as she lost consciousness and slid to the floor. Then he fell back and writhed on the soiled bedsheets until his neck craned to one side and a steaming green viscous mass of oozing vomitus came streaming down the side of his cheek.

"Young man," said Bobbyio sternly, "That stuff better be the cum of all the sailors from that ship that just docked. Because if you're throwing up our Crabmass pudding, you'll be in big trouble!"

A Crabmas Carol

Splooge heads home after stopping off for a quickie at the orphanage. Tired, he heads upstairs, sits down, and begins to enjoy his dinner of salt pork- not so fresh, but fresh off the docks and delivered by the SSNatch just today. Suddenly he hears a voice...

Voice: Evangeezer....Evangeezer Splooge?
Splooge: Who the hell are you?
JM: In life...I was your partner...Jackoff Marshley.
S: Oh dreadful apparition! How can I ever reach around and grab your thing if you're gonna float around like that?
JM: Never mind that. Don't you see these chains?
S: You always had those on.
S: You always said that, too.
S: You NEVER said that! What have I done to deserve this, Jackoff?
JM: Plenty! You will be visited by 3 spirits.
S: Jack Daniels, Jim Beam, and Cutty Sarkisian?
JM: Don't fuck with me!!!
S: That's ANOTHER thing you never said!
JM: Listen, shit for brains...expect the first at unt, then twont, then thleent.
S: I don't think I can take it, Jackoff!
JM: Now that's something YOU never said! OOOoooOOOoooooooooooooo.................

Scene 3


Splooge: Who the fuck are you?
TGOCP: I am the ghost of Crabmas Past.
S: Gardiser?
TGOCP:No, I'm straight.
S: Damn!
TGOCP: Come fly with me...touch me and you will be upheld.
S: Now you're talkin'! Hey where are we going?
TGOCP: Listen, if we're going to save you we're going to have to dig hard and delve into your darkest and deepest recesses.
S: You know...I'm beginning to like you. Hey...where are we?'s my old school!
TGOCP: And you were left all alone.
S: Yeah, I had that mess on my ceiling to clean up. Hey where are we now?
TGOCP: Don't you recognize your former employer Fezzlodwig?
S: I never could see his face from the back. Now where are we? Oh,'s...
TGOCP: Yes, it's.......Bambi.

Bambi: Evangeezer...another idol has displaced me...I release you.
Young Splooge: Not so'll rip my colon!

S:Bambi!...Bambi!....Don't go....What?....Spirit, where are you? Wait! I'm back in my own bed...and check out this tent!!!

OK Snatchers, your turn.


Splooge:Hmmm, tie bongs! And who is this?
TGOCP:I am The Ghost of Crabmas Present?
S: Present?...a present for me? Let's go camping...look, I've got a tent.
TGOCP: Homey don't swing that way. You want Cocks n' Viani.
S: You know, this has been a hard night. Give an ol' hooker a break.
TGOCP: Sorry. Let's rool along, just rool along.
S: All right. Where are we?
TGOCP: Don't you recognize the home of your employee, Bobbio Crotchet?
S: How can he be so happy on just a few bob a week?
TGOCP: Believe me, it ain't the bobs that make him happy!
S: And the poor little boy?
TGOCP: Tiny Tommy?
S: Yes, why the splotches on his arms?
TGOCP: Vitiligo, it seems he got that from Michael Jackson.

Tommy: "Beat it...beat it!" "Philly Kerig, that's my lover. He's just a boy - who says that I am the one..." "I wanta cock with you..all night!"

S: And what of his future?
TGOCP: I see an empty spitoon by the fireplace.

Scene 5


Splooge:Tommy, Tommy, Tommy...! Wha??...Who the hell are you?
The Ghost of Crabmas Yet To Come:
Whoa!...what's up with the goth shit? Are you the spirit who's visit was foretold?
Splooge: Answer me, gode dummit!
Splooge: Oh...but your silence is a bit kinky. You must be The Ghost Of Crabmas Yet To Come. You know that has a nice ring to it! OWWW! You put your bony little finger in my eye! All right already...I'm coming...and not at all the way I expected!

Splooge and his friend mosey on as Splooge recognizes two fellow businessmen.
Splooge: Hey I'm usually here at this time!

Dude: I'll bet it'll be a cheap funeral. Damned if I know of anyone going.
Other Dude: I'll go as long as lunch is provided. Maybe there'll be salt pork- and not off that damn ship that pulled into port. That stuff tore me up. I don't know what the hell happened to it on the way over!

Splooge and his companion then stop at a most interesting sight.

Fence: You took his sheets? Look at these stains! I think I'll pass.
Charwoman: How about this then?
Fence: It's some t-shirt. Let me see..."Crabbage...Snatch...Open...'89". What is this?
Charwoman: It seems it is his newest shirt.
Fence: Hmmm...a collector's item. I'll give you half a pence.
Charwoman: Deal! Gllmmmmmphhhhhh. Hey, I...glmmmph...thought you...glmmmph...said pence...glmphhhh!
Fence: Pence...did I say pence? I need to speak a bit more clearly!

Splooge:Hey, that shirt looks familiar. I...used to go there...but got too's been a while since I went. Now where the Hell are we going? Owww! Quit poking me in the eye! What's this? A tombstone? It reads: "RIP Splooge: He Don't Snatch Nomore" NO...SPIRIT! Aren't these the shadows of what will be? Can't I wipe away the writing upon this stone? Give me a sign. What?...a duche bladder and bucket?...'s you...PEACHES!
TGOCYTC: Your not a real Snatcher!
Splooge: Oh, Pretty Peaches...I will keep the crab in my heart and go every year, please...please...please...

Scene 6

Evangeezer wakes up in his own bed and, most unusually, alone (save a well-lubed slab of salt pork). He rushes to the window.

Splooge: Young there...what day is this?
Young Boy A Safe Distance Away: Why Crabmas Day!
Splooge: Oh, I haven't missed it! You know the pig hangin' in Benner's Butcher window?
YBASDA: The one smilin'?
Splooge: Yes..get it!
YBASDA: I'd love to but I think the butcher beat me to it.
Splooge: Not that way!
Splooge: Deliver it to Crotchets. Come back with some fresh salt pork and I'll give you 10 pence.
YBASDA: I ain't fallin' for that!
Splooge: No, I am in earnest. I'm a'boardin' the SSNatch!

Later, at the docks.

Splooge: Ahoy there! Will you be headin' to the tourney? I've got a load of salt pork and am wantin' a lift. Permission to come aboard?
Captain Mudshark: Arghh, ya mean yer be wantin' a lift and yer'll come aboard? That's an aye fer sure! 'Tis good ta 'ave ya back, Sploogie! Ya c'n be me first!
Splooge: Aye! AND 'tis good of ya to have me back...if'n ya catch me drift!

The SSNatch slowly pulls out while Lt. Bambi tugs hard on his jib line. Captain Mudshark and Splooge have gone aft (if'n ya catch me drift) while Knav Rag heads the smilin' crew. Aye, 'tis a fine day to lay course on the heady seas!

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