The Benner Bowl I
31-Jan-2002
JM: Hello everybody! This is John Muddin'.
PH: And with him Pat Hummerall and welcome to the Benner Bowl!
JM: Yeah Pat, this should be a great event this year. Let's watch the toss. Ooooh, looks like Benner tossed a bit early.
PH: Well you know he always he wants to receive. And here's the kick. Benner's got it and he's doing an end-around. Oh
there's a flag. Our referee today Evan Squealed blew his whistle.
JM: That's gotta get cleaned up.
ES: Receiving team, number 69...illegal use of hands.
PH: That otta be disgusting use of hands. Benner seems pretty happy as that call will drive him deep into his own
territory.
JM: Thery're cumming out of the huddle. Are cigarettes wise?
PH: Benner lines up behind his favorite center, Phil.
JM: I see Phil likes this part. That would explain why his backfield is in motion.
To be cuntinued
31-Jan-2002
PH: Now let's go down on, I mean to, Lynn Swallow on the sideline.
LS: We just overheard Grunt Winsom, defensive lineman for the Rams, complain to Anus Williams about the last play. Seems
that they stunted in an effort to get the quartherback's sack, but Anus was upset that Grunt went up inside him instead of
reaching around. We'll have to keep an eye on the Ram togetherness from here on out. Now over to Eric Dickhisson on the
New Danglund sideline.
ED: The coach over here, Bill Bilechuck, has just thrown it up to his defense. If you think the conditions during the
Raidee game were bad, you haven't seen anything. This was a whiteout like none before. Even with my cockeyes I could see
it. Back on you Pat.
PH: Speaking of Pats, you should have seen some of the New Danglund players in New Orleans last night. The Jizz was
amazin'. Hornblowers everywhere. Draw Bleedflow? What a backup. John, what'd you think.
JM: Oh, Uhhh, sorry, I was just doing the turkey here.
1-Feb-2002
PH: Well, it's been quite an opening series but Benner came up short after he stepped up into the pocket.
JM: Yeah he doesn't have a head for this. Right after he gets his snatch he unloads on the first guy he sees. It's always
a little drop-off pass that falls behind his men. He might as well put his head down and drive it right up the middle.
PH: I know the right man for this next play is Sarkisian. He's the BFL go to guy when it's turd and long.
1-Feb-2002
PatS: Well, there's something you don't see every day..
JohnM: Oh, I don't know,,, I saw a play like it in Jizconson once..It's not really a quaterback sneak, not when his loins
are all over the (Evan) field.
PatS: Let's look at the re-play, it all went by sooo fast... you see, there's Benner, now he has it, now he don't,,,
look there it is again..
JohnM: Naw, naw, he didn't fumble it at all, it's jist coming up on its own.. and here cums the sharkster... kinda like an
ol' statue of liberty play...can sharks really run that fast??
PatS: Boy, did he ever cover a lot of ground on that play.. 26 yards and still counting..I guess you'd have to say the end
zone isn't safe when he's on the field.
JohnM: Yea, yea, butt, its the way he did it that is so impressive.. he brought Blithcone to his knees for a moment.
PatS: Oh, I don't know, he's been down there for quite a while now...what do you think they're saying??
JohnM: One things for sure, they're not cunting hairs! This is quite unusual for a fourth and twenty-two..
5-Feb-2002
PH: Well John, let's look at the halftime entertainment. Why it's FU2 with Bone-Ohhh!
LM: Yeah, and they're now being joined by the Brownstreak Boys and N*STYNK. I think they're going to sing those classic
Elton John numbers "San Francisco Freedom", "Crack A Wild Cock", "Your Dong", "Saturday Night's Alright For Fisting",
"Fun Anal For A Friend/ Love Lies Squealing", followed by "So Let Your Son Go Down On Me" .
PH: Do they have to act it out as they sing?
JM: It's a request by Fagliablew.
5-Feb-2002
John Muddin: Well, here's the kick to open the second half. It's that low-life scum suckin big fuckin asshole Voght (just
seeing if you're listening) and boy can he plant a ball deep in his opponent's end zone.
Pat Hummerall: Some guys like that.
JM:Let's see what Marshal can do with his offense. This is his rookie year and I say it's about time Vassar got someone to
the big leagues.
PH: Say, John. Why does Marshall already have his hands in there for the snap? Hell, they're only just walking up to the
line of scrimmage.
JM: It must be cold. Here's the snap. Oh, shit, Marshall! That ain't even close to a quarterback sneak. There're kids
watching fer goodness sakes!
PH: And all he gained on that was an inch.
JM: Is he British?
Later...
JM: Well, Pat, there's been a lot of scoring to show for this 0-0 final score.
PH: John, you know I'm gonna miss you, old friend.
JM: Yeah me too. Let me just bring out my Al Davis and BOOM all over your face.
22-Feb-2004
AP-Houston A rather bold half-time event stunned the crowd at this year's Benner Bowl. It seems that after countless
shared pelvic gyrations Justin Timberlake reached over to Rich Benner's codpiece and dramatically ripped it off. The
crowd, shocked into silence, stood mezmorized as they, and millions of viewers world wide, looked into what seemed like
a vacant crotch. Fox announcer Troy Aikman, ex Dallas Cowboy star and notorious homosexual (as are all who like the
Cowboys) exclaimed, "Where'th Bambi'th Antler? Thay it ain't tho!" Benner was later quoted as saying he was truly sorry
and forgot in who he left it last.
23-Feb-2004
JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT COULDN'T GET ANY WEIRDER
API-San Francisco, CA
In the aftermath of the baffling Benner Bowl Halftime show, now being dubbed "Look! Bambi's a Bitch", the rumor is the
mysterious absence of his "monument to masculinity" can be attributed to an "inadvertent biting incident" that took place
in the back of a limo on the way to the game.
Inside sources report Bambi had the cast of Queer Eye For The Straight Guy as guests in his hotel room and comp'ed them
for the game. Upon entering the limo Bambi notified the driver that he and his guests were going to enjoy some pre-game
drinks and would like some privacy. When the limo started rocking about the startled driver rolled down the barrier to
warn Bambi that there was some kind of mechanical problem. When he saw what was going on he was so shocked and distracted
that he rear ended a garbage truck. The resulting jolt caused Bambi to lose his member in a traumatic amputation.
However, ever the entertainer, and in the true fashion of Bambi's rock star idol, Freddie Mercury, the show must go on
and did. This creates an even greater mystery as to how they cleaned up the bloody mess so quickly. So the story goes,
anyway. Brings new meaning to the term "cocktail".
In a related story, calls to Bambi's agent, former Dallas gay porn star cum transvestite and Dallas Cowboy cheerleader,
Stephanie Hackeditt, at her office in the Castro in San Francisco went unanswered. She was, however, later spotted and
then interviewed on the steps of the San Francisco County Civic Center proudly waiving her marriage certificate to an
applauding throng as she held hands with her wifband, Boy Georgia Michael Etheridge. When asked for a comment on the
Bambi reports her giddy demeanor turned ugly as she angrily shot back "no one can attempt to ruin the mostht important
day of my life. Thisth is our day. How can you be stho insthensthitive? Nothing will prevent Boy Georgia and me from
culminating our public pronouncsthement of devosthion by a tender physthical expresthsion of our commitment in the
tradisthional Sthan Francsthisco way, in a public bathhousthe with our friendths, Dukey and Gummer. We're going to
Aikman'sths and Parthcellsth'sths Playhousthe."
Standing a few feet away, gay entertainment reporter for radio station KNBR, Francoisaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh
LeClawhhhhhhhhhhhhhgggggggg, quipped to no one in particular "I sthertainly hope that plasthce hasth an industhrial
sthrength sthkimmer".
Meanwhile, souvenir hunters and memorablilia collectors scour the areas surrounding the Benner Bowl itself in hopes of
retrieving the orphaned organ before it rots, is flattened by passing vehicles or eaten by local packs of feral dogs.
The public can rest assured this will not be the end of the story.
25-Feb-2004
MIRACLE MEMBER MYSTERY MORE MYSTERIOUS
API-San Bruno, CA
The miracle member mystery that began with Bambi Benner's revealing, or perhaps more aptly, non-revealing exposure at the
Benner Bowl took an even more mysterious and mystical turn in San Bruno, California on Wednesday.
After a cum-lapping sojourn up the San Francisco Peninsula, all the while trailed by a multitudinous pilgrimage of Lurkers
of Snatch, the creeping member finally arrived at the statue of St. Snoidus the Accomodator. As the pilgrims gathered,
they feared the incredible, arduous effort to get there may have taken the life out of The Prick as it moved at a banana
slug's pace. Then, with a final burst of inestimable energy, the exhausted Prick astonished them by slithering up the
combination of bronze and concrete like a salmon fighting the last currents to achieve its glorious, yet fatal,
reproductive goal. And, in a seemingly innate, instinctive move by which its former owner Bambi established his
reputation, The Prick, much like a fetal marsupial struggling to port in the warm harbor of a mother kangaroo's pouch,
penetrated what could only be gentlemanly described as St. Snoidus's "posterior". Akin to numerous mystical miracles
allegedly occuring in ancient European relics, paintings and statuary, the witn
Instantaneously, the titillated Lurkers of Snatch plundered into an orgy reminiscent of the now renowned Peaches of the
Crab. In the ensuing mayhem and delirium, the Lurkers, madly accosting one another beneath their blankets and mutually
imploring one another to "give me the sacred antler", neglected to observe the dastardly machinations of a rugby player
later identified as Steve Chandler. During the distraction, Chandler scaled St. Snoidus and withdrew The Prick. During
removal, St. Snoidus's new protrusions immediately receded and a Lurker known as Scroatlicker, who had inserted himself
upon it, was wiped off the antler like the meat of a lamb kabob, falling headlong to the assfault below. Again, according
to near unanimous testimony, upon Chandler's theft St. Snoidus shuttered with the "Sploink", then uttered "you're a bad
man", the sounds of which interrupted the rampant buggering long enough for a Lurker who would refer to himself only as
"Boinkus" to see Chandler running down the street with The Pr
But the story ends not there. In all likelihood, Chandler's flight would have been successful and his anonymity intact
but for the stunning subsequent reports that have now been connected to the assembly at St. Snoidus. Later the same
evening, during a rugby match in San Jose between Chandler's Bay Area All-Browns and a guest side from Australia, the
Aussie's complained to the referees about a particular player on the All-Browns penetrating their rectums during scrums
with a stiff, foreign object. It turns out Chandler used The Prick as an insert during scrums to distract his opponents.
Incredibly, eye witnesses swear they saw The Prick go from flacid to erect and back numerous times. And, Aussie ruggers
victimized by the penetrations complained, to a man, of a slimy residue in their rugby shorts near the "base of the cup"
portion of their athletic supporters. When challenged as to the legality of such competitive measures, the Head Trainer
for the All-Browns, Ru Paul Sark, said simply "Aaaargh, 'tis na
And, yet again, fact being stranger than fiction, thus not endeth the story here. Authorities from the State Department
of Health, Hazardous Materials and Animal Control have been called in to investigate. Particularly at issue is how such
a member, detached from its host, can continue to function organically, with considerable interest in such rapid
reproductive replenishment.
Subsequent reports to follow as the mystery unfolds.
{Webmaster's note: don't blame me that Rhag can't finish his paragraphs}
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