Crabbage Snatch Open - Political Bullshit
Abu Grabass Prison, Iraq. (UPI)
Standing bull-necked, barrel-chested and slack-jawed, in front of infamous Abu Grabass Prison; newly-appointed head of
prisoner interrogation and demeanment, Lt. Cumindere M. Parshall DuBois, addresses an assembly of press, dignitaries and
his unit, the 69th Rear Exploratory Insertion Regiment. The Fighting Crabs, as they are known, had transferred from
Afghanistan six months ago, to take over the interrogations of suspected terrorists and insurgents and the running of
Saddam Hussein's most notorious prison. Lt. Cumindere DuBois tried to cheer up his troops, even though morale had
plummeted after the publication of pictures depicting scenes of sexual perversion and demeanment practiced on, by and with
Iraqi prisoners under the Fighting Crabs' supervision.
"I was appalled and shocked to see hundreds of photographs splayed over every news outlet in the world; showing the
depravity and degradation you people have been practicing here!" he bellowed. "Look at this! Some grinning female
pointing at the turgid, throbbing penis of this Iraqi. How cum the Hell are these assholes hung better than our troops?
And who the fuck let a woman in here? If I knew any of you liked being around a woman, you wouldn't be in this unit!.
And look at these pictures here. Mounds of naked prisoners in some kind of queer coital contortion. All their genitals
have been digitally altered. This is an outrage! You can't make out any of the good stuff! Who the fuck took
"I did, Thir." It was Chief Pornographers Mate, I.D. "Bitch" Thibley. "I wath twying to heighten the thuthpenthe, by
leaving thomething to the imagination."
"Thibley, you've really screwed the pooch. We've been deployed from our beloved Camp Aromas del Snatchez for sixty-three
months. If you show me a pile of sweaty Iraqi men, I want to see some bunghole, and so does every man in this unit. What
were you thinking, man?"
"Well, they're not all Iraqith, Thir. Can you thee the arm with the tattoo that readth "Dave"? That'th Knavigator Rhagg.
He liketh to play "Queen Bee", and let anyone who wantth to thwarm all over him. Here, he'th thort of thandwiched between
thothe two new guyth, Thnatch Corporalth Harrith and MacClanahan. The Iraqi fellow with the mouthtache ith being the
"Is this line of interrogation effective? Are we getting anything out of them?"
"Thure! What do you call that dripping down Rhagg's chin!"
...at the bazaar....
"Ah, Totor al Dodirri, I found you! Allah be praised!"
"Bambin bin Dobbahphourmi, you biting sand flea of a man. How may I serve you?"
"Mullah Muhd'shak sent me to find you, Ali al Timpsahni, E'bn Rhaganmi, Mash al Khinblomi, Halbach Dagaygai and Hagkhut
Suhfagh. We are to go straightaway to Abu Grabass Prison and turn ourselves in. We are to strip naked, climb in a big
pile, buttfuck, then whack pee-pee until we spill our seed all over the female Pornographers Mate, Bitch Thibley."
"Butt, Bambin bin Dobbahphourmi, we did this same thing just yesterday! Why would the Americans let us cum back so
"Totor al Dodirri, you are as faithless as a slack-jawed concubine of a goatherd! We must convince the infidels that we
know a secret."
"What, that we actually like to grovel in a big pile and buttfuck?"
"No, you ignorant parasite from the intestine of a Shi'ite! We must tell them that insurgents are having planning
meetings and hiding weapons in the basement of the British Embassy in Karbala."
"No, you drying cake of camel dung, but if they believe us, they will destroy the building with their gunships!"
"Ah, Mullah Muhd'shak is a genius! Let's go!"
"ALLAH ACHBAR! ALLAH ACHBAR! ALLAH ACHBAR!"
AP - Bangcock
Pallsfullah Shiite, head pournalist and Pullithard winner at Algizzrearah has apparanty suffered a nervous breakdown. This
hard working, constantly deeply driven writer has suckcummed to Fuckinglurkeritis. He was pounding out his usual froth and
no one rose to take it in, save Evannluvzit Uphizass, noted sword swallower with the Bringum and Bungum Circus. He was
quoted as saying, "Gllllmmmmppppphhhhhhhh....ahhhhh". Clearly a mouthful. More to come.
the news guy
I take your comment to mean, Slackholo, that the real replay was better than the real thing the real first time around.
And, by that, I only partially mean that the acting in Twenty Mule Team was better than the acting in the Oval Office.
Either way, we, the public, were getting Boraxo thrown in our eyes.
Better to have a guy who knows his limitations and surrounds himself with knowledgable folks than a sax player who felt he
needed to sew his oats on any blue skirt that walked by. Or by a peanut farmer who can build a mean house for a third
world nation, but couldn't protect our embassy people, nor was he willing to. It took Reagan to pull the trigger and down
came the Berlin Wall, and the Russian threat.
History is wrought with all of the things people have done wrong (including being shot for his country), but there comes a
time when you have to check your partisan politics at the door and marvel at what he accomplished. I'll wait until
Clinton kicks the bucket before I try to figure what he did that was beneficial, besides almost getting himself impeached,
and having a vice president who claims to have invented the internet all by himself.
Leave the politics to the politicians because while I'm sure we all can agree that Kerig should be fucked (again, and
again, and again, ad nauseum), I don't think we can garner enough votes to proclaim the Snatch as a bi-partisan
The right winged, John Bitchen' Bircher, Snoid Meister
May I just inject a couple ideas here.....all partisan politics aside, of course.
Does no one remember that...
-a couple weeks after being our most recently dead president was sworn in in 1980, the embassy personnel had been held for
444 days were released by Iran? (is it possible that a Machiavellian bastard like the Gipper negotiated a deal with the
Moslem fundamentalists to keep the hostages until after the 1980 election? NAH!)
-we then illegally sold weapons to those same Iranian Moslem fundamentalists, (to fight our other weapons customer, Saddam
Hussein), so that we could illegally fund paramilitary hit squads trying to overthrow a legally elected president in
Nicaragua? (did I mention that it was FUCKING IRAN Reagan sold those weapons to?)
-that the two post-Viet Nam presidents that stood up to Congress to actually REDUCE government spending would be, drum
roll... Carter and Clinton? (Both of them threatened to shut the government down to shame Congress into cutting the pork
out of the budget. It was fucking MAGIC!!!)
-that the two Post-Viet Nam presidents that spent the most wildly, while at the same time gave the largest effective tax
cuts to the rich (i.e. more money than me) and corporations were, let's see now.....hmmmm....those two "conservative"
guys....Reagan and W?
-that the most recently dead of our presidents rewrote the tax code to simplify it, and it actually ended up larger and
more complex? (I can close my eyes and tell you that practically NONE of the tax breaks from the 1986 tax simplification
act benefit anyone reading this.)
-that the most recently elected (by the Electoral College, no less) president has been in office for 3 1/2 years, has a
Congress controlled BY HIS FUCKING PARTY, and has done diddly dick to actually reform the tax code, recalibrate the
alternative minimum tax, and is holding reform of the Estate Tax hostage? (maybe the words are getting too big
-that his tax plan for the rich he is still pushing, was originally put forward as necessary because we had a $500 billion
-that the armed forces and weapons systems that swept across Iraq last year were put together by a previous
administration? (hmmm... we didn't have these weapons when we did Kuwait in 1991, but we have them now.... How'd that
-that the Repubicunt-controlled Congress during the 1990's felt that the best use of the president's time and concentration
would be best spent answering such pressing transgressions as: lying about sexual harassment from eight years before,
using influence to help swing a $100K loan to a real estate development in Arkansas, taking travel commissions away from
a political opponent, getting a blow job from a 20-year old intern? (Let ye who wouldst not taketh even a blow job, yea,
even from the fulsome Jewess, throweth the first stone!)
-that lying to Congress and distorting intelligence to hype an unnecessary war (that inadvertently benefits members of
your administration and some of your largest campaign contributors) actually qualifies as FUCKING HIGH CRIMES AND
I'm sorry. I interrupted.
p.s. Fuck Bush.
Oh, I remember something that Clinton did wrong. He tried to get universal health care. What a dick, huh?
Whoa. I think we need to thank the Taliban and the CIA filtered money therein to drag out the Russian war with Afghanistan
for the tearing down of the Berlin Wall. That pissed off the Russian common folk and sure as hell hastened the end of the
Russian threat. Hell, thank MacDonalds, cuz once we gave them MacZits it was all over. Those people were too middle class
to have lasted any longer under "communism". As Monty Python sang, "You can keep your Marxist ways, for it's only just a
As for politicos, republican or democrat, they are still an elitist group and damned tough for me to put on a pedestal.
Most might as well just go on MY pedestal.
Isn't it great how we can agree to disagree, and still be friends?
Here we are all over the political spectrum, and yet we're held together by common threads: a love of golf, a desire to
engage in binge drinking, a ranguage whele all's and err's ale levelsed, and an abiding belief that Evan is a dick.
I love you guys. And it isn't just a physical thing.
p.s. I was working on a very special banter, when the Hitler Youth propaganda started making its way around. More
Snoid, you ignorant slut!
You went to Berkeley, for crying out loud. Didn't you arrive there with enough self-confidence and self-esteem that it
didn't require a shitty B movie actor to make you feel better about yourself? Were you so swayed by Ray VanBuskirk's
politics that you really started to doubt the greatness of the United States?
Reagan only accomplished one thing in office, the restoration of pride in being an American. The white, God fearing
cowboy type American. Pride in being a bigot. A warm fuzzy feeling that it's okay to be greedy. Satisfaction in knowing,
and saying, and singing, the praises of exclusionism and, as Gardiser would put it, schadenfreuda, which is taking
pleasure in the misery, shortcomings or comparative diasdvantages of others. I don't feel quite so bad about my big nose
knowing that Bobbio doesn't have a perfect turdcutter.
Yea, Reagan made use feel okay about those evil thoughts we have that true goodness would otherwise force us to confront,
suppress and ultimately eliminate if we are to become the legitimate walkers in the shoes (or sandals, or gourds) of the
Savior. Reagan made it perfectly clear that the Ten Commandments were to be read literally, IN THE SECOND PERSON. "Thou
shalt not" meant exactly that, "Thou". As for me, I get to think and act as I please, left hand on the Bible and the cool
breeze of Old Glory at my back. You know, like I'm glad there are no Negroes living in MY neighborhood. Or, our single
payer or government sponsored health care system, oh wait, we don't have either of those, so, okay, our means by which
medical services are provided (not to plaintiffs' medical malpractice lawyers, though), is being destroyed by the illegal,
itinerant wet-back population. Get them the hell out of here, but by God you better find a way to put butterleaf lettuce
on my table for less than $1.79 a head.
Yes, make us feel better about ourselves, not just by delighting in the false reasons we are better than others, but by
demonstrating just how wrong the others are. It's sort of like Kerig making himself feel better about his tiny little
member by peeking through the cracks at the cabin to watch Brundt take a leak. Reagan was the Great Communicator when it
came to pandering to the prejudice in all of us. It's not okay to be different (just look at Boiky), but it's okay to
have evil thoughts (just look at Bambi). Ronnie encouraged divisiveness and evil thoughts on the grounds that it is the
traditional American way, or worse, the Bible says so. How incredible in his eulogies that he is credited for galvanizing
the American public's self-esteem when all he did was rely on traditional family values of fear, separation and mistrust,
and parlay the Bible into excluding, rather vehemently, anybody who didn't sing praises on Sundays. Great Communicator?
More like the Great Preacher to the Choir.
Make no mistake about, I'm no big fan of politicians in general so this isn't my Mudshark imitation on behalf of the
Democrats. And, I acknowledge that at the time perhaps we were due a dose feel good about ourselves as Americans. The
manner in which it occurred and the foundations upon which it was built, however, will have continued lingering effects
for years to come. Anybody who thinks the divides among us economically, socially and culturally are less today than when
Reagan took office has been snorting too much Boraxo.
This very same technique was used to bring a great, industrialized society out of poverty and ruin in the last century.
Now is a good time for everyone to re-read The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich.
The true glory of this country is knowing, that despite our vastly disparate views, we can still agree on some things.
Like Fuck Kerig. Or, we would all love to see Brundt shove his pedestal up his ass, even if it might break Bambi's
P.S. I just got off the phone with Hackett, Snoid. He asked me to tell you that he's keeping a spot warm for you in his
tent out in the Castro. It was the way he said it that impressed me.
Fuck Kerig With Gardiser's Woefully Bitty Dick? It's got to be that because I don't think Kerig would welcome George W's
dick up there, even if there were WMD's. George may wish to check out Benner's, however. That's a sure thing.
I don't know, Brandt. We're talkin' about Texas here. No one's going to make any money betting on whom Kerig wouldn't
welcome up his ass.
And Benner clearly has WMD's. He's used them on his own people. It's a slam dunk. The cabin is going to be crawling
with UNTSCUM inspectors this fall, though!
p.s. Snoid, nice welcome for your banter, don't you think? It's always good to draw lurkers like yourself into the open,
and then jump all over them. Keep up the good work! Speaking of jumping all over lurkers, where's Thibley