Crabbage Snatch Open

Find the Hidden Message!


Dear Paul,

, if you mean at The Snatch I get the pants beat off me, that's a fair cop. I don't think you know how much it hurts to suck at golf every year. My long game is usually inconsistent. Fellow golfers dread my being on their foursome. You can hear their gay laughter turn to sadness. Boy, it's sad.



Dave, Is there a subtext we need to look at here?

Dear Paul,

Why, if you mean at The Snatch I get the pants beat off me, that's a fair cop. I don't think you know how much it hurts to suck at golf every year. My long game is usually inconsistent. Fellow golfers dread my being on their foursome. You can hear their gay laughter turn to sadness. Boy, it's sad.



Dave, Dave?

It's for you, Dave.

Dave's not here,


It's tough when Benner is helping us figure this one out.

What's that breathing sound. Oh, lurkers. Never mind.


Don't worry about me and Paul, Benner. You know he loves a good banter. You know that -as you like to drive up to the cabin with him. I'm sure of it too that you engage in some deep conversation on the way up. Maybe you get into metaphysics. Nobody should ever take it wrong when they are the butt his of his jokes. Who else can marshall up such a loyal group of friends. Why Paul, that's who. He is such a great guy. And don't forget what fun we have when he takes such a huge turd at the Snatch!



You know, Rich. For Dave, nothing beats some good natured banter, after a hard day at the office. A lot of the guys don't really banter as often as you, Dave and I. I would think everyone likes to get in some time with jabs, puns and witticisms. This keeps us from being button-holed just by our antics at the Snatch. It's so important to keep our mental faculties stretched with banter. By now, so many guys have just lurked, it must kind of hurt their pride. I don't get it. For me, it's great fun to do some bantering.



Poor Dave,Oh you know, it's sad, how his breathing quickens when he gets called to the Principals office because he's recently been caught on dirty websites at school, he's not used to it. Doggone it, don't they value him; same grindall week. You would think they can give him some slick award or something, my lord, the sweat, you know, the peanut butter and jelly sandwhiches in paper sacks for every kid in class, and the bloodsucking parents, they don't know he refuses to succumb to the out of control pressure of administrators who don't want him to show great films like Yeller and The Sound of Music, helping kids assimilate into society. What a pity.


Dear Snatchers, Isn't it amazing that such friends such as us can get together? I find it odd that so many other Snatchers fail to join in such reverie. Marshall certainly is a guy that helps keep us so close. Doesn't he enjoy when he talks to his brother Evan? I'm sure that many times they have stayed up late at the cabin and sucked down a few brews as they reminisce over their past with each other. Maybe even Paul has enjoyed their conversations at night. Anyone can get great vibes from their times in the kitchen. At least these three will be some great friends forever.

You're surely waiting for the magic until October, Paul!



Ahh, yes, the's so great to see the guys...posh it isn't, but it's all good....from Dave's humor to Bobby's farts...and all the while, the antics....Benner and his films, Paul, who gets grief for mudsharks left in the head, from Hackett chopping wood to cooking with Evan's cast iron skillet and Bojkovich is there handling the big job, being Al's caddy....and finally to Kerig who is the butt of every fucking joke about Flamin' Texan Ale from Dave, and somehow, someway, it always comes back to Dave, who can be great, mostly retarded, pushing it to the limit, all one and a half inches, and seeming entralled too!.



What an ass
ett to the whole mortgage community you are! Why, when you get home I bet your wife greets you as a hero- even though she is tired from washing all the laundry. What joy to see you when you come home and you take her out to one of your favorite restaurants dressed in your finest clothes. Hey everybody, should have such a great home. It is great to offer loans and get a head start on the future. I'm sure you love your job of and you'll take all the credit for the finer points of life right up to your classy company.


ps Fun eo check my e-mail when I get off work!


Cho doods,

Khaigoddis pren kunose Baingbee. Cheetohlme dat Baingbee lyketoo teller stories about heemselp. Wontyng Baingbee tohller dat kee was playeeng widdis teengy ondacouch inpruntub Pucho and CHUI anday watchEET an toash demselps atta saingtyng. DAt mayka Baingbee jellous anGREENwiddenby. So Baingbee STAYNSup an grabba Pucho, anna Pucho grabba Chui, anna Chui grabba Baingbee. Eetwas treewayporeplay. Denday all start smileen. Dis wennon porawile bud nutteen hapneen, sodayhadtoohab mohrporeplay. So Chui leeked hees pingeranpoaktit IN Baingbee's buttoal. Baingbee gotall essyted an grabda haredrier an chubitup PUCHO'S ass truheesCHORTS. Chui gossoessyted datheassed PUCHOtoo tayk wonadose wheestles, chuno dakine kynnalyka trombohn widda slydanall, anchubitup heesass. Den Baingbee plugginda haredrier anplipda sweechonhigh. Datgabe Pucho plenny hotair to blohon Chui's wheestle, an Chui atartedkeepindabeet widdis pinger up Baingbee'sass. DayalGOSSOESSYTED den. Daywasall playin' sungtoontogedder den but steel noteenup qwasapneen so Chui, joono khoweempatient HEEis, gotapter heemselp again an Pucho an Baingbee toashed demselps an GLOBBEDON eechudder. Purteesoon, der was pearlsallober dose leetle peenktohrpeedoes anDAPLOOR. AN denday leeked eecCHUDDERS pingers lykkitwaz sungkinna deesertor tumteeng. An choonowat, Chui say to Pucho "Ikanglib WIDDOUTchoo, EEBENdoItry togebbye jusby TOASHING myselp. Nextyng qwaidonchootrya xylopone anwile Baingbee is getteen dalectriktootbrush eentoHEESass Ijankchor TOHRPEEDO, Mang." Dohsaresung SICKmudderPUCK erS, MANG.

10 May-2003


Phil is really enjoying all the latest posts. Too bad there are a few sheepish once who aren't banging out letters and getting into the thick of it. The beer he will raise to us at the Snatch makes me want to be there now. It is time to scrape up your money! Expect an E-mail from him announcing changes to the website- even if you don't give a fuck, you will make him happy if you just log's a great site, I'm sure you'll agree.


11 May-2003

May I begin?

For us, comraderie keeps us youthful, Phil!

12 May-2003

Dear Ms. Phyllis Kerig,

Thank you for your interest in having a sex change operation at our internationally acclaimed facility, the Bjoinksa-Wanker Clinic, here in Oslo.

Our chief surgeon and head of counseling, Dr. Stephanie Bjoinksa-Wanker, has carefully reviewed your application and the photographs you provided. Unfortunately, we must respectfully turn down your application.

We agree with you that with your diminutive genitalia, it seems to take little more than a few minutes with a cold compress, to turn whatever manhood you have into what looks like a serviceable vagina. However, we strongly disagree with your contention that all we would need to do is "throw a couple tits on there", to turn you into some kind of a hot bitch.

The gay friends that you gave as examples of our previous work, the siblings, Mss. Yvonne and Marsha Field, were willing to accept a fairly high level of unattractiveness. Also, they have been living almost entirely as women for as long as anyone could remember.

In your case, medical science simply does not have the tools to remediate your appearance whatsoever.

Please accept our wishes of luck to you, and also great compliments on your spirit!


Dr. Thoenge Flayler
Bjoinksa-Wanker Clinic

13 May-2003


It's mange.

Being around livestock as much as you are, any time you spend picking off wood ticks is going to pay huge dividends.

Hint - that Cardiff ram buck.

Try some Bag Balm. Your hormones are fine.


p.s. You forgot to wish best of luck to Kerig....

13 May-2003

Hey, speaking of genitalia, I gotta share this odd but true story that happened last week.

So, I started running again. Not because I need it, but because this hot as shit chick has been running by every evening for a couple weeks at the same time. Ya gotta do what ya gotta do. I've been running right out behind her after she passes every night for a week. Way hot ass, and the bouncy tits, too. She is pleasant and smiles, but, I am working this slowly so as not to spook her or step into a real shit-hole if you know what I mean.

Now, last couple nights, I've noticed this patch of dry and shitty looking skin that itches on my left nut. Funny, I'm not left handed, I thought to myself. So, I gotta get this fixed before I make any moves on the hot as shit chick runner. Besides I am having discomfort in the running now.

Doctor says it a patch of dry skin that is overreacting to my hormonal swings. WHAT? Did he say I was having male menopause? Fuck me. He gives me some pills that are most likely a salt peter derivative, like they give those sailor boys on the USS Snatch to keep their peters dry. Fuck that shit. I stash them in a Bayer bottle.

So, I am putting on my shoes to go run last night when my wife pops in unexpectedly and I try some good ol' smooth stuff just to keep her satisfied and non the wiser about my running partner. She complains of the proverbial headache and grabs my Bayer bottle. Oh shit! Before I can think straight she downs 3 suckers and I gotta jam before she pukes and blames me for it or something.

Now, I'm catching up to the hot bitch. Just as I pass I say 'Hello' and watch here turn to smile the rhetorical compliment. FUCK! She has this huge fucking canker on her lower lip, bigger than the one on my left nut. My mind briefly flitters with the thought of some huge left nut rubbing against here face, like some sick dream and pigs and shit. Now, I'm double fucked. Deflated, I run home and try to act normal.

Funny thing is, the old lady got hot from the pills. I have no idea what they were, but, no way I'm ever taking any of them. Instead, I'm going to keep throwing them in the Bayer bottle since the old lady likes them for just about any ailment she has.

Now, if the rash would just go away...

Tales from the Snatch-hood...Bambi-style.

5 Jun-2003

Dave, On warm days, I try to attend as many these crowded demonstrations, like that pictured, as possible.

It's an ideal opportunity to walk around bent at the waist, pretend I've lost my contact lens, and get in a little game of "Bump crotch - sniff sniff".

You have to be careful, though. That guy with the sign is not going to be the only one there with hairy legs.

And, no, Bambi, doing this at Gay Pride Parades would not be fun.

Thanks, though.


8 Jun-2003


On warm days, I try to attend as many these crowded demonstrations, like that pictured, as possible.

It's an ideal opportunity to walk around bent at the waist, pretend I've lost my contact lens, and get in a little game of "Bump crotch - sniff sniff".

You have to be careful, though. That guy with the sign is not going to be the only one there with hairy legs.

And, no, Bambi, doing this at Gay Pride Parades would not be fun.

Thanks, though.


20 Jun-2003


You've really got to watch the old "Come into my tent and let me help find your center" line Evan uses. Hackett tries to imitate him but all he says is, "Welcome to the Castro!" Speaking of which, did you see this message Rich sent?

So, I woke up this morning with a splitting headache, looked in the mirror and saw this disgusting boil just under my right eyebrow; centered right over my eye. Shit, it looked like a size of a quarter and stuck out like that knot on the old lady's leg after Slackett hit her in the knee with his happy hooking drive on 9. I could hardly see anything. Fucker was big, too. The skin was stretched tight over it. It had to be done, I had to pop the bitch. It hurt like shit, but when it went, it popped like a giant zit. Only, seamen came out and splattered on the mirror. I was in horror.

Then, I woke up. Fucked up dream.

You were right, Dave.

Fuck Field again and again. I'll sleep better knowing that.


20 Jun-2003


You've really got
to watch the old "Come. into my tent and Let me help find your center" line Evan uses. Hackett tries to imitate. him but All he says is, "Welcome to the Castro!" SpeaKing of which, did you see this message" Rich sent?

20 Jun-2003

This What makes the fuck are no you on, sense, Bambi? you dickhead!

29 Jun-2003

Why is everyone ending their E-Mails with ďFuck you PhilĒ? I think all this Phil bashing of yours sucks. I believe many of you have been unfair to my good friend Phir Kelig. My second year at Cal I fully sucked at Physics. I can tell you, if it wasnít for Phil I would have flunked, bigtime. Phil is a good golfer, and any foursome at the Snatch would be lucky to have him on their team (unlike many of you and me included, that play like the horseís ass). You all rode him, with every E-Mail, and itís just something I donít want in on. Furthermore, I consider myself lucky to have a friend as good as Phil. I would

Whatís with all this Phil bashing, anyway?

30 Jun-2003


Funny how I get picked on by you for writing about my good friend Phil! Why, I don't care if you take a big shot at me -but I have always stuck by my friends. Let's leave this negativity out of the mails and keep these posts clean so even my kids can read them too. We should all keep this classy, Tom! Oh, by the way, feel free to buck the Phil bashing trend. I sure will!



You know, Phil, every one of the last twenty or so Crabbage Banter's has ended with your name preceded by and experlative. Damned shame, too. I mean, you take this out on a defenseless sap like Tommy who may be the only team member you have cum to take pleasure on. Speaking of loading up, have you had Marshall. on your swing list lately? I hear if you hit his ball dead center he'll rise better than a foot on the fairway, and that's without his spiked shoes. Good hunting on your fist Friday, Phlirr. Butter up!

Page down....

just kidding..



My goodness! Well, I guess the grocery store strike must be over and everybody's finally had their Wheaties. Or have we just priced you out of the gasoline market so's you've got lots of time at home to sit around fondling the keyboards (why do you all type with one hand?). Or, maybe all the cute gayboys have off and gotten married and there's nobody left to bugger up yer pretty arseholes. Whatever the cause, please accept my deepest sympathies. About ten inches deep, that is.

The Jive Aunts on their way to the World Series? What, did they win the hot dog concession? Maybe that's what Brundt meant by "the smell of a dog", or was it the smell of another famous hotdog on that team. Last I heard, besobaru was still about winning games, so tell me again why I should pitch to him? That's just an intelligence test. If you must have a bone, and not just the usual one up your ass, take it as a grudging sign of respect.

And Snoid, the Ram Bucks moved to Abilene. As if you don't know that, you seem to stay in close "touch". It does sound like he's feeling better. I think I liked you better as a vegetable, though.

Say, how those Niners doing these days?

cast out of Paradise I suppose


The attached message below had a hidden message.

-Condoleeza Rice

> From: "Phir Kelig"
> Date: Thu, 6 May 2004 17:25:01 -0500
> To: "David" , "Paul Sarkisian"
> , "Bambigas Patel" ,
> , , "Dave Brandt" ,
> "Dave Lodwig" , , "Gak"
> , "Gary Vought" , "Kent
> Emmons" , "Knavigator Rag" , "M.
> Parshall DuBois" , , "Steve
> Bojkovic" , "Steve Hackett" ,
> , , "Thibley" ,
> "Tom Halbadildo" ,
> Subject: Undelivered Mail Returned to Sender
>> -----Original Message-----
>> From: Mail Delivery System [mailto:DAMIAN-DAMIAN-DAMIAN@play.agg.soon]
>> Sent: Friday, April 30, 2004 8:20 AM
>> To:
>> Subject: Undelivered Mail Returned to Sander
>> This is the Dicklix program at host
>> I'm sorry to have to inform you that you're a fucking idiot who can't type
> email addresses correctly. Either that or Boink and Floodman are completely
> lost in each others crotches again.
>> For further assistance, please send mail to
>> If you do so, please bend over and grab yer ankles. You can suck your own
> dick if you can reach it from there.
>>> The Dicklix program


Thanks for the hearty "welcome", You guys obviously have enough issues to keep this from being a boring trip to Angels Camp. All of the rules I was expected to digest have already been deleted from my email inbox and it is my hope that I can just break any rule and claim that as a rookie with botanical healing properties I am exempt from having to be accountable. I did remember the rule about being far enough away from the vomitorium to allow one of you unrestricted access. That rule I will abide by. From the text of the previous emails all of you appear to have deep rooted unresolved issues related to any bodily functions, sex w/ farm animals and all things anal. Evan (aka Rag) has told me this "will be a safe place with a caring group". So I'll be taking a risk and will come to share my collection of used colostomy bags. This collection is very important to me, and includes some antique pieces... I mean feces... that are just irreplaceable. Maybe next year I will bring my smegma collection. It is more "alive" than unpasturized cheese. Sincerely, Yarrow, Tucks...or whatever else you'd like to call me


Look assholes, it wasn't me, OK.
I wasn't anywhere near that fat ass when the cloud broke loose and ass-fixiated the booger. Apparently the article went on to say that he was grossly over weight, bordering on tipping into the Marshall Scale, when he ate, at one sitting, a 5 lb can of Stagg's Chile topped with shredded cheese and garlic powder. Whew! No wonder he had it cumin forgot the sacred law of gastric processes; always, always leave out the cheese unless you want to develop a serious assplug and even more serious gassss. Not withstanding, he also consumed 1g. Stupid bastard6 bottles of Kerig's Glorious Cum Ale. He shortly thereafter passed out and began farting himself to death.

What a way to go.
FK - it's easier.


Hello snatchers bobbio logging on. Count me in for the pre-snatch golfing adventure at the Antioch Golf and Country Club on Saturday June 6. I cant wait to play with all you strapping young men! Oh, I forgot Marshall is not young but he does like to strap one on every chance he gets. I've been in training for just this opportunity to show you bastards a thing or 2 about this stupid and extremely easy game. I just finished a round over at pebble beach - the local pro spotted my game and invited me back for some personal and private lessons. He mentioned something about showing me his wedge and letting him drive one for me and also asked if my balls needed washing. Oh by the way there will be no beer drinking at this event I'm on the south beach diet so please honor this request from one of the most senior and most respected members of the snatch.


Bambi, Did you mean??? Bloated? You mean, like a carrion in the river delta that was tits up in the water for eight weeks just before the crocodiles cum for feast? Or, is it more like the underwear Sark wears during the Snatch tournament that get a true test while he grunts around with a tree in his shorts? Nah,,it's way more like what you felt like before you heaved your chummy little load all over the upstairs screen a couple of years ago at Snatch cabin. Gee, were you wearing that mumu then? Hey, Kerig would know, he was right behind you at the time.

Well, Phil?



O lny srmat poelpe can raed tihs. I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if yuo cna raed tihs psas it neo !!

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