Crabbage Snatch Open - Evan Sucks

What the Fuck is Evan?

what you rooking hele fol, foor? 29-Aug-2001

Dear Dave, I think the non-banterers just need a good topic to stimulate their creative juices. Let just put one out there and see what comes back.

How's this: Evan's a dick.


Paul Sarkisian


Dear Paul,

Good pointed topic. But for Evan it's hardly a mouthful. Maybe something deeper and darker could raise a stink. How's this: Evan's an asshole.



More Bambi Banter-

You know, with all this talk of Dick's and Assholes, Evan won't be chased out of the bushes for another forty strokes or so... he's sooo out of bounds...just drop one and take the improved lie, Evan....and one more stroke of course.. unless your counting like Moshal and use only the primary digits.....If you must, Blundt the ball softly to creal the tlees...butt, stuff the Rag in yur (Slak)mouth and do it quiet so's not to wake the mens.....besides, Tahmi's waiting to play up your back nine...and, you cun't make that putt an ya know it....not without some serious help out of the Mu'Hd (Sharque) trap....


Hey hey hey,

To all of the Crabbage dick-heads out there... (and you too Dave)

I don't know why you even send e-mails to the Rag since he doesn't answer them anyway.

The reason I don't "banter" is because I have a life, and it doesn't involve sitting in front of my PC monitor for hours on end trying to translate normal conversation into pirate-ese "banter", or trying to make my conversation sound like I have a large mud-shark sized Donk in my mouth. And no, I wouldn't know what that felt like - Dave ---- but thanks for asking.

I must admit that there are some seriously creative juices flowing out there, (Bambi, Shark, Dave and Phyrl (or however you pronounce it). My kids love to try to decode the foreign language that makes up the e-mails daddy gets from "overseas". They are constantly wondering what country my "pen pals" are from. I tell them one is from England (Boink), one from Houston (still pretty much Phyrl the phoreigner), and the others are scattered across the other remaining seven seas (arrghhh!!!).

It'll be great to see all of you dick heads again so I can get my once a year worming on the links with all of my foreign speaking buddies...

The Snoid-ster


Evan's a dick -vs- Evan's an asshole

What positions have you assumed on this one?

Bobbio? Tommy? You've been there. Which is it?

Let's open the lines.


Let's take our next caller shall we? "Line 1 you're on the air.."


"Hello. This is KSSN and it's been said you've been a bad boy this year."

"Oh? REallly. Weell, I want to know who would say such a thiang about BobbioOOoo?" I beeen reeal good , ju know."

"No, Bobbio, that not what our listeners have been saying. In fact they want to know how cum you take a divit everywhere you golf?"

"Weell, actually, BobbiooOOoo dosent have a game per say. I love eeveryone an eEEverythang. Just talking about dis gets me all hot, ju know."

"That's exactly what we've been talking about. Now, , why did you fire your last caddy?"

"OooOh, dats an eeasy one. He was passng on my passes at a creetical time in my game ju know. Yea, it threw me off somting tearrible."

"You say you tore something Bobbio?"

"Weel, sort of. It is painful Eeven now to theenk of it, butt, my caddy has a large packaaGe naturally, an hee puts it in plaAcees without regard to my feelings. So, I put all of BooOObbiooOOs EEnormous driver in de place he packs hees sunshine. Only now, eet is butt a dim light, naturally."

"That's a sad story, Bobbio. And who caddy's for you now?"

"OooOOoo, dats an eEasy one. Tahmi is now my favooreet. He always keEeps his mouth shut an hees woods in check. Unless of course, he wants sumding from BobbioOOoo. Den its OK."

"Well, there you have it listeners, another true confession of Crabbage Blunder from the 'Silence of the Crabs'. Let's take Line 2."



Hello, line three, you're on the air.

This is, like Tyfanny, and I, like totally think that Evan's a dick. I mean, he totally doesn't answer banters. And I'm like, even Snoid chimes in, even though he says, like, he has a life, ya know? I knooooww, he like told me. And Evan, he's like duh. And I'm like, what a fag! And he's like, burp. And I'm like, guy, what grodie old fart gas, totally gross! And he's like, come here little girl. And I'm like, I wouldn't touch that ol gummer face, for sure. And he's like...

Ah... thank you line three.


More Evan crap.....

Let's ban Evan from marking the holes (pre-game) with his soiled loincloth. It's a well known fact he can usually smell a hole easier than he can see it from 40 ft; just look at the schnoz on him. Butt, this hasn't helped him much in the past....on or off the course.......

Evan IS a dick.... let's open up the lines again....


Line 4, go ahead caller.

This is Don Glicker, Philosophy Professor Emeritus of the Finite Understanding Knowlege College. I'd like to look at the Evan Field debate in a logical manner. As Descartes points out, existence is inseparable from understanding. Therefore, we must look at the existence of a dick of Evan. Now, have not numerous Snatchers expelled liquid waste at the back of the cabin with said Evan Field?

Uh...I'll assume so.

And did not many remark at his apparant lack of said penis?

I'll bite.

Therefore it would be beyond any logical means to even assume that Evan is a dick -since he has none.

That makes sense to me.

As it should. Thusly, it must be painfully clear that Evan must be an asshole.

Professor, that is a very powerful argument. But there is a glaring fault in your assumptions.


Yes sir, I'm afraid so. He could be a cunt.



Elvis, on line 5 from Gnashville, go ahead:

Uhh, yea, this is Elvis. Ahh'd jus' like to say ya need ta be carefool! Yuh likin' ta place limits on a man, when puhpaps there ar' none.

Ya knoe, I once sang a song "In the GhettO", an' Ahh wanted ya all to feel what it might be like to be preevented from entering whatevahh this here planet has to offuhh.

So, Ahh'm dissapointed in ya all fuh missin' the point, cuz you knoe I wasn't shakin' my hips fuh nothin'.

Ya think maybe sumthin' happened ta me, but you knoe Elvis, jus on a little vacation, kinda like work.

So when ya make yuh little comments, think about whose feedlins' are at stake. I knew Evan. Fact, when I filmed "Blew Hawaii", I had an image in mind. An when I sang "Teddy Bear", I had an image in mind. An when I recorded "Burnin' Love", I had an image in mind.

On the one hand, it was a good stiff one. On the other hand, it was a soft furry one. An on the other other hand, it was a flamin' one. An as I look at my finguhs, examine the wrinkles round my knuckles an nails, I can almost put myself there. Not so much the sights, not so much the sounds, not so much the tastes, not so much the feel, butt the smell. The smell. Yes, the smell.

So, perched here as Ahh am, I don't think we can put limits on a man.

Evan is a dick, an asshole an a cunt. He could probably make himself pregnant in the butt.

I gotta go now, my son-in-law jus moonwalked in an I gotta go kick his ass. Come here you little faggot.


Dear Snatchers,
I've known Evan a while and I think to call him a dick is too much. Many of you think he's a complete dick. He's really just a dickhead.


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