Crabbage Snatch Bantel - Book 2 - The Return of Mudshark

what you rooking hele fol, foor?


Eeah Oi am, fetchin' after the dreeded Bambizard, along with moi bitch of an Ameerikin woif. Commonly known as the Bambizard, the actual shpecies is the Cycloptus Bungus Moreanus.

The Bambizard is found all over the Onback and its root can be traced as far back as the dinosaurs.

Did you know that one of its oldest insistuhs was the Dildoforsoreass? One of the smallest yeet most feehed of the ancients, it was known to either stun or kill its prey boy spitting a lethal, poisonous veenum from its two oiys.

A more recent scuzzin, the holeybutt is a seagoing reelative. Great on the barbie but terrible to look at (just loik another water dweller, the beaver) the holeybutt is born with two oiys. Butt, over time as it flops over into bottom dwelling, it becomes the cockoiyed freak of nature we know it to be.

Similahly, the Bambizard is born with two oiys. Howeevah, it is "A" sexual and comes to loif fully sexually mature. From the moment it depahts the eeg, it seeks fuhst to gratifoiy itsewf, then eat. In short ohduh, it's dominant oiy takes ovuh in a mattuh of doiys as the othuh withers to dust. Within a few months the dominant oiy itself goes blind due to the excessive drain on the capacity to generate optic fluids due to the relentlees demands of its constant orgasmic spasms.

Don't let this fool you, though, as nature would have it the Bambizard theereupon deevelops a keen sense of smell, particularly for the fairymoans of other shpecies upon which it feeds.

Roight now, we are tracking one that, as usual, is floogin' itself on the hot rocks. It's best not to disturb it yet, for at this moment they are most testy, and shortly will be half asleep.

We've got to be eespeecially careful. If threatened, the Bambizard's one oiy (which, by the woiy, they only have brown oiys) will emit a voil, putrid gas that will drive away its enemy. If angered or hungry, howeevuh, the brown oiy will open to up to ten times its nohmal open diameetah and spew forth a poisonous mass that is lethal immediately upon contact. While eet geenerally excretes a projectile up to three killograms at a range of twenty meetahs, a mere thimbleful is enough to kill an eelephant.

Just as Oi thought, 'e's done now. We must approach from behind and snatch him quickly boiy the tail. Theaya', we got him. In this position, the Bambizard is at its most vulnerable because held boiy the tail it thinks it is about to engage in its primordial mating ritual, which as we know is longer necessary for the preservation of the shpecies. Howeevah, milking its venom gland is still a very dangerous adventure.

Therefore, we've brought with an an eekspurt snake charmer from India, Blandtblopal. Never safe to stand in front of a Bambizard, Blandtblopal will reach around and grab the Bambizard's "thingy". With a flick of the wrist and a kick in the head, there we have it, about two tablespoonfuls of venom known as "mayo". Blandtblopal will now take the venom home, where he and his family will partake in the cultural delicacy of spreading it on wild turkey sandwichs made in puta pocket bread.

Until next time.

P.S. Fuck You, I'm back!


SHHhhhhhhh.....we need to whisper now because we're just about in the deepest, darkest, reaches of the fabled lands of the scariest looking beast in the manimal kingdom. Part beasty, part scrotum, the half-a-loin clothed butt always famous 'RagMan' of Borneo is just over this smallish hill and in the middle of the dense thicket ahead. His eyesight is none too keen, so, to be close is to be in peril - for, if excited, he can become very dangerous. This beasty has some of the most outrageous hair in the manimal kingdom. Oh, shh....he's cuming...

If we stay still and quiet, we might see him taking in one of the locals in the thicket. They are known mostly for their odorous gauffing and spewing just before ejaculation. see.. a local and unaware seaman has stubbled into the thicket to puke on himself. His mouth is extremely slack at his point and he is very vulnerable to the RagMan's wanting. is the move we've been waiting for. A full twist of the loin cloth that brings tears to the sailors eyes. That stench usually renders the locals helpless and willing to do the RagMans bidding.

This is turning into something of a scene from Deliverance. We'll have to return later when he's see how he cop(ulat)es with the seaman when he has to confront his cuntryman.



Subject: Men's Chain Letter

A Real Man's Chain Letter :

This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything.

Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented.

Then bundle up your wife and/or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the following list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.

When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have. At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, of whom 4 were worth keeping.

REMEMBER this chain brings luck. An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooters waitress and a Hollywood super model.

You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke the chain, and got his own wife back again.

Let's keep it going, men! Just add your name to the list below!

Bill Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

William Jefferson Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

W. J. Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

William Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

W Jefferson Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

William J Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

Slick Willie Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

Mr. Hillary Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

Crabbage Snatch Clan of the Cravehair
Bear Valley, CA


"I NEVER had sex with any of those 15,625 women - especially the one called Hillary!"

Billy Boy...
aka cigarman

PS - Please keep this chain going...see details below..


Dear Snatchers (though from what I've read, you could scarcely call yoursleves that!):

I just accidently happened onto Evan's email address. A bunch of pubescent thirteen year old boys in the seventh grade could do a more creative job in scatology than any of you. (Especially Rich Benner, what an idiot!)

Anyway, reagarding the message to which this replies, I just want you to know that when Evan is napping, he's not faking. Everytime we make love, when I go to the bathroom to clean-up, by the time I get back to bed he's already snoring. Coming does that to him, "butt" perhaps you know that.

You guys are hurtin',



Dear Snatchers,

And another thing...Evan is an expert at thoughtfulness. Why, when he "takes care of business" in the shower, all he leaves is a ring that blends in with the porcelain. I prefer that as well because his "after soap" cigarettes go out much more safely in there too- and there's no ash to clean.



Dear Snatchers,

Evan asked me to send a new address out for a Snatcher: Bob Wright. Bob was a rookie a few years back. You may not remember him. Lodwig took a fancy to his leg (which Marshall secretely covetted) and even though Bob would "beat him off" Lodwig persisted. Every year Bob queeries, "Is that dipstick Lodwig coming?" Of course we answer yes- as there are many legs at the Snatch.



What the hell is going on here. First we get some new guy that hasn`t been through the proper indoctrination (Marshalls "Short Course") or maybe he has but we need proof. DNA will work just fine Marshall. Then Paul runs off and gets married to some attorney bimbo that no ones met yet (she hasn't been through her cavity search by committee yet). Paul, you know the rules. Besides isn't this the same woman who had the highway patrol knocking on the door at the cabin the last time Paul couldn`t tell the highway from the side of a hill. And speaking of bimbos now we have Evans "whip" wading in and taking cheap shots at brother Rich Benner. Whats up with that! I`m just glad we voted to waive that cavity search. And while I`m at it,why havn`t we heard from our little Armidildo down in Texas. Hope he didn`t try crossing the road to many times looking for his golf balls. He better show up on time this year or we won`t let him bunk with Brandt. Hi Dave Ya I`m still here. 225 days and counting.



All Right! That's it! I've had enough of these Bich (Bambi) Renner jokes. Let's put this years selection of Snatchers to a short straw draw. The shortest straw gets to bunk with Evan AND Marshall. Of couse, I get first dibs on the video rights to sell to Howard Stern.

D.B. DuBuea (alias Blundt)


Hey, I'm tired of messing with you guys.

Nobody is bunking with anybody until Bojnkovic tells me where he gets his fro done. I want a body wave on my pubic hairs, and I want it now. Brunt, you may as well just leave your mouth dam in its little case, until I find out how to get my pindejos to look like a Ringling Bros. fright wig.

I'm not talking French braids and I'm not talking corn rows. I've been that route. I'm through walking around with a pud that looks like Bo Derek. From now on, no one gives anyone a "10" until I'm sporting Bozo. Or Don King.

Steve knows what I'm talking about. I guess it's okay for everyone to suffer just because Viani keeps cumming too quickly and isn't letting him finish.


Well, I'm cutting you all off until I get the bush that I know I deserve.
I'm worth it.

Fuck ya.



I'm a little confused here. Evan and Marshall already HAVE the shortest straws. So now what?



It is confusing. Evan and Marshall have been cheating a lot. They usually snip their own straws when no one is looking, because they WANT to be Bobby's sex slave.

It's hard on them when they go to 7-11. It almost broke Marshall's heart, when he saw the size of the straws you need for a Big Gulp.

Evan doesn't even use straws. He prefers to tongue his Slurpee. He'll do yours for you.

As they say, "turn them upside down, and they all look like sisters!"

Roger that.




I hate to complain again. But don't Evan and Marshall "sip" their own straws- not "snip"?




Possibly, if by that you mean that they "sip" each other's straws. I don't see either of them licking the Creamer off of their own coffee stirrers. They're not the "bottom of the cup" kind of guys.

To stretch the 7-11 analogy a bit, the cheese on their breath isn't cumming from their own Breakfast Burritos.

God, I'm in the mood for a big bag of Pork Rinds and some Lottery Tickets. Can I get you something while I'm out? How 'bout a nice dollop of Cheez Whiz?




Thanks, no. Your Cheese Whiz is never the right color.

Ya know, Marshall does enjoy a frothy Joe to get his own juices going each morning. Some mornings are harder than others and he will often have to slam down two big fellas. Hell, Kuyler will jump in on some of that and soon the whole office is headlong into their jobs. There's very little down time in Marshall's office.


ps: Watch out if he offers you a four and a half with one point.


Cum on, Dave,

You really do have to try my Cheez Whiz. It's a savory Gruyere, soft-ripened dollop, with a lingering finish. Sometimes you just have to open up a little, and bend to the new times!

I wonder if Evan and Marshall have anything to do with the rash of 911 calls from convenience stores near their offices. It seems some cashiers with Indian accents have been calling in, complaining about some white guy who keeps Cumming in and faking a spastic disorder of his hands. This guy evidently is trying to get the unsuspecting clerks to "unwrap his straw for him".

The police sketches from both communities bear an uncanny resemblance to the almost identical mugs shared by the Field twins. And that spastic thing makes sense to anyone who's seen them golf. Makes you wonder.....

Unfortunately, the clerks involved have all claimed, "You know, officer, these Caucasian fellows, they all look the same to me!"



Oh, come on fellows. I am already beside myself with all this anticipation about catching these hooligans. In my cuntry, where I cum from, we never shake our hands at one another. This is because we frequently have spasms in our lower regions to compensate our inadequacies. As for the straws, well, I have never seen such a freakish delight in all my years in your cuntry. However, I do not care to unwrap such a thing in my own store. We are Americans, too, and have the 7-eleven stores to prove it! Please, delight yourself on some other region of this place. I must keep my floors clean or my patrons will not return. Thanking you...

Purshditi Ombpal, DDS
Lakeview, ONT 22122



I've heard about your cheese. Don't try to lie about your curds. It's actually an Eatum. Bitter and chunky with a sinewy finish. Benner likes it on a hot bun.

As far as the Field Gang -word has it they entice young men at the fruit bar to check out their "bendie straws". They met Gary that way.


ps: Fuck everyone else, especially you fuckin' e-mail lurkers. Tommy, have you ridden your BM lately? Bojk...woht a wainkuh! Ar...Ar...Sauce...Thibth...Colon MacSnoid?...?



We give. And we give. And we give. And we give some more. And we keep on giving.

We put out straight lines, cum-ons, openings, lead-ons, gags. We cumstruct hole fantasy worlds, and does anyone bite? Well, as far as Crabbanter, no, but in every other way, yes.

They are wankers, all.

I don't know why cunning linguists like Marshall or Tommy or Ar or any number of these email lurkers spend their time nervously tittering to themselves alone in dark alleys, like so many gay prositutes. Why don't they put out? It isn't like if they embarrass themselves with a pitiful entry, no one would sleep with them up at the Snatch.... Look at Benner!

Fuck 'em.

You first.

Paul, the California Brown Bull Shark


Most Levelent Burrshalk, Arrow me to levear tlue wolrd. Rulkels rick. Rike brimpy bload at bal rooking on flom hel stoor furr werr awale that rald sullounding roins most gloss and onry rove and dirdos wirr furfirr hel lancid sroppy clavings. So ale rulkels, dlooring but praying onry with theil stoors, foors. It creal, Burrshalk, you must open youlserf and they wirr come. Don't crose mouth in bittelness- unress to swarrow. My lod is my staff- it sharr not want, Gulu Lam-a Ramb Clam


Ah, yes,,,,

There once was a ho named Tommie,
who let all the boys cum on her tummie.
Butt, she learned Marshall and Evan,
were not the names given,
to each of her tits,
although they still itched,
cause they're actually Snatchers in waiting.

Cum one cum all,
(motto uttered by Tommie on last eve of Snatchers Ball)
Bambi Banter



Gee. September 29. I think I'm having my nails done that day.

Of course I'll go to Pack Gel Park and see the gayme. Sign me up!!!

But does this mean that the great phlegmish catarrh of Texass will be in town for an entire week before the Snatch???? How much do rooms at those boutique bed and breakfasts off of Castro set you back? I thought you always got those by the hour. Or was that by the minute?

You just better be sure you are not all fucked-out when its time for Legs-Up-Seven-Up in Arnold. Sibley's not going to buy into your "I'm bleeding" gig again this year.

By the way, that's a touching ice sculpture. I've been working on an homage to Szechuan Bean Cake, but I don't think it's going to be cold enough in San Jose to get the hoarfrost just right. I'll concede. (or, I'll pop it into an Ass-Trolls cap and FedEx it to you).

Butt, all seriousness aside, that was great Crabbanter. It's been getting a little boring with the same old "home-brew and K-Y" with Brunt. Why don't you hold a mirror under one of these other guys' noses to see if it fogs up? No luck? Okay, try another body opening. Something is escaping Snoid's body - it might be his breath.

Bull Shark


Boring??? How about I brew up a batch of home-brew with K-Y added? It could be a Dillsner.


Foor! You do pay with chapped lops and torn rectums.


OOps That should be chapped lips (not lops) and torn rectum. Lops are what Mr. Field did to his boys instead of circumcisions.



It's cummon knowledge that you haven't had to pay for a hotel room or a drink since high school. That is, except for that one time you had a layover in Utah. (We all are in solidarity with you, as your fight to forestall extradition back there goes on.)

I was just wondering how much the hourly rate in boutique bed and breakfasts goes up in any population center whenever you cum to town. You may be the wrong guy to ask....

Gardiser? Halbach? Eggleston? Schnack? Anyone? I know your wallet is usually down by your ankles at these times, but how hard is it hit when the best little whorehouse in Texas cums bumstorming to your town?



Well aweright, Pilgrim. Jest drop'em an drop'em slow; so's I can see ya. Then grab onto that wagon wheel there an - don't make a sound goddamit! or I'll kill ya! - now jest bend over a little more an -- Grab those sagging jowels with yur free hand ya old bugger! I don't want any on me, damit. Now jest sing a little to me ta git me in the mood, an none of that funny stuff either. Keep it quiet - if the mens hears ya - I'll kill ya damit. Ya ol' gummer...

To be cuntinued...

Sunset Ranches
Four Corners, AZ


It would be fucking great to see a gayme with the boys. Phil you're showing great phir in the Austin trip, or could that be Gom, but, now I know all about the B&B's...thanks be to the Mudshark. Please let this note serve as my intentions to partake in said gaymes with the boys. Fucking lawyers.


Ayeee,,,it's good to hear that the longman Smack can still swing 'is short shtick. An may the peppermint winds of Molly's sweet arse never blow back in 'is face, either. Arggh...fuck the lawyers last...mak'em wait fur it..Bambi gas never burns blue, too.


Hey, Schmack, nice fucking email handle. Does the 'attbi' stand for bi-sexual or is that preference reserved for your escapades with Evan and Marshall on the second night of crabbage (hey, who's the first night ....Bluuundt?? fess up now).

Crabbage Banter Raggage


Subject: Fw:This one should work

Arrgh, that one works, just fine.

I've struggled w' attachments a might meself.

This one's got the hang o' it, though. Captured 'er a'listin' t' port s'far, she 'as 'er ballast athwart 'er bulwarks, ye might say.

Arrggh. An' a spirited lass, too!



As the head officer of the women's privacy group "Keep Undies- No Thongs" I was shocked and a bit wettened by this recent clamor. Many lips are opening wide about this, I speak for the majori!

Wanda Nawber


We're at the Golden 'ate' Fields, with Evan in the booth....

"Annn, they're cumming round the bend,,,they're in the stretch now,, nose and nose,,,it's Bad Boy in front by a hair,,, no, now it's Bite Me making his play,,,,his jockey, J'ism won't be thrown now,,,, and here cums Blow by Me on the outside! It's going to be close folks,,, down to the wire,,a photo finish! And,,, Bite Me has taken Bad Boy for the sixth time today!"

JM: What the heck is going on down there in the winners circle?

PS: I can't tell exactly, John, but, it looks suspicious to me.

JM: Heck, I've seen bigger plays on the field, butt, never on Evan. Is that what I think it is, Pat?

PS: Yea, John, that's Marshall arm up to his arm pits in that horses arse. What is he looking for anyway?

JM: Well, that explains it. He has just been appointed the drug committee chair and has said if he suspected foul play he would personally investigate any wrong-doing.

PS: We gotta break now, this is getting out of hand..

JM: Outta hand, nothing,,he seems to be enjoying stroking that horse's shlong..

PS: We gotta break, John, the network's won't want to air this anyway....

To be cuntinued...


And then.....

Flinging himself onto the heaving mass, he lay still and silent...Each breath was as his own, butt, he could scarcely contain his excitement, for he knew the moment of surprise was behind him, as was most most of the crew during this leg of the journey. Alas, the huge organ began to quiver and shake, uncontrollably so, for the each of the crewmen's apendages were busy at work; stroking and soothing the emense beasty. Scarcely a man could look it square, knowing that at any moment, it could eat them whole, with it's scraggly bush top and wide, full, glistening steamy center and swollen muscular sides; appropriately shaven, of course. They all came to know it well, except Thibley who insisted on bringing up the rear...

to be continued...


UPS wire -

This just in from the Mid East crisis. Three teenage militant women were found in Palestine with what appeared to be strap-ons for explosives as they entered the Gaza strip. Even though the crowds dispersed readily, it appears that they were using mudshark mock-ups instead of real explosives. The Israeli cabinet minister acknowledged that they were just as effective, though.

Sri Lanka Gumpesh
Staff Writer
Wall Street Journal


I heard that one "went off" in the restroom of a S'barro in Tel Aviv, killing only the assailant.

I'm personally having a lot of trouble getting through airport security lately. Not only do I look like Osama bin Laden, but I've always got Customs Service beagles barking at my ass.

I wanted to try to "slip one through" by wearing it on my shoe, but I didn't have the nerve to step on the "Bouncing Bruno".

We live in a time of terror....



Late breaking news.... he's been found....alive !

After months of searching the caves of the East Coast a crack team of the world renowned Deepcover Snatch Agents has found the fugitive. Once again these highly lubricated specialsts have slipped behind enema lines to find their prey. ......scroll down

Enough of this. Seymore take a cool glass of water and you'll be fine. Tis true.

The story of how he was captured has already been sold into syndication, if you want to send him a nasty email he is at

Password is Virgin.

Over and out......

Wing Commander Stoyve
DSA (Retired)


The Search For Seymour

Part 1

Captain Mudshark: Arrgh, you thar, 'ave ya seen Cannon Polisher Seymon?

Ensign LeBojk: Nay, Capn'!

Part 2

ELB: Sir, I found 'im.

The Whole Fuckin' Crew: Shit!

The End


CM: Fuck!

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